The children are back at school today, and it’s time to catch up on all those tasks I’ve neglected over the past few weeks. Like exercising. And making tiny people out of fruit to demonstrate just how atrophied my body has become.
This is me…
… a Conference pear balanced on Brazil-nut legs, with parsley-stalk arms waving helplessly in the breeze.
I want to bulk up my top half, and re-hone my bottom end – I’m aiming for ‘sweet potato balanced on a couple of Cheestrings’. And I’m going to do it with the help of Hannah Waterman’s fitness DVD, the alarming-sounding ‘Body Blitz’. In which Hannah is bombarded with high explosives dropped by Heinkel He-177 bombers until her body weight has been more than halved.
Oh, not really. There’s lots of ghastly star-jumping and the whole thing is very unseemly and painful. I’m amazed Hannah has the strength to get through it, actually, given that she’s a Ladybird Age 5-6, and looks even more tiny than that flanked by her two minions: Elia – who is the size and shape of a walk-in wardrobe – and baby-faced Adam. Adam has the grace to look buttock-clenchingly embarrassed by the whole affair, while Elia, conversely, appears to have had his shame glands removed and embraces every new move, however demeaning, with Barrowman-esque enthusiasm.
The good thing is that you get to lie down between some of the more punishing bits, which means the PWY (Possibility of Wetting Yourself) factor is fairly low. Or at least lower than my other DVD: ‘Ministry of Sound: Pump it Up!’ (Why did I buy this? Why? I’m 41.) It features the ‘cast’ of that porny Eric Prydz video for ‘Call on Me’, ie, 10 amazing-looking Barbie dolls plus one token bloke in green satin hotpants. There’s lots of hip-thrusting, hair extensions-flicking and akimboed legs. The dancers all appear to be wearing tights underneath their leotards, which makes me worry, what with the hot studio lighting, they’ll all get thrush. (Actually, that would explain most of the moves.) The whooping is incessant: ‘Let’s pump it up! Whooh! Yeah!’. On the few occasions I’ve done it all the way through, I’ve WANTED TO KILL SOMEBODY. And that feeling has only intensified since I read recently that 20 per cent of the population are what sports scientists call ‘non responders’. Meaning they can exercise and exercise, and they won’t get any fitter. I’ll bet that’s me. I’ve wasted all those hours grapevining, box-stepping and press-upping, for nothing. When I could have been making fruit people instead.
Not waving but ironing 
i would say with that brazilnutfruityperson you are a loss to the home education world.
Yes, I can teach kids a thing or two about wasting time, believe me. Have I filled in my application for a new parking permit yet? Have I hung out the washing? No, I’m too busy whittling a coconut shell with my penknife.
Thank heavens you’ve answered that question for me: I am a non responder…great bye bye running shoes, bye bye sweat pants (eughh why did they call them somehting that disgusting!) hello apples, hello pears, hello orange satsumas….
It’s nice to have an excuse, isn’t it, Tattie? I always wondered why my heart would beat as fast as a frightened rabbit’s when I am was walking at 2mph on the treadmill at the gym. And now I know.
You know that could explain it . . .
Though I do get “fitter” – as in better aerobic fitness, but I don’t get leaner.
Still, I’m not sure what fruit would best represent me. A pomengranate maybe?
Why not? Pomegranates are ‘super-fruits’, after all. I think I’m more like a coconut than a pear at the moment, to be honest. Must depilate some time…
I consider myself to be more of a conker – but that’s sort of a fruit isn’t it? Anyway, I’m hard on the inside and prickly on the outside and a completely useless except for bashing against other conkers and taking small children’s eyes out.
I like it! Have you also been banned from playgrounds by overly health-and-safety-conscious head teachers?
Ah that’s brightened up my morning. I’m de-frosting the freezer whilst sadly finishing off the last of my Cadbury’s Creme eggs.
I know from experience to avoid star jumps once you have had children….
It’s all glamour, huh? I’ve got to log off now and iron my son’s karate suit, then hoover my stairs. I haven’t got any Creme eggs, sadly, but I have just had a packet of cheese and onion Hula Hoops. Which might explain my body shape.
You’re making fruit people and I’m making volcanoes out of mash. I don’t know what sort of fruit I am. Prickly pear?
Your comment on my post just now about the cat was one of the funniest ever. I’ve just flagged it on twitter. If you were on twitter you would see. Seriously, I bet your tweets would be hilarious. Then you would waste even more time like I do!
Luckily for you, I don’t understand how to get Twitter thingummies on my blog page. Or badges. Or Facebook stuff. So my brain-flotsam is confined to the blogosphere. Glad you enjoyed the cat-in-pastry tale – not exaggerated one iota. I really thought my mum had gone postal.
Wasting time is what I do best. I’ve been photographing my plants this morning instead of weeding; but I was supposed to be restoring the house to the sort of order that existed brfore the Easter holidays. Still, it’s a long time ’til Friday when the fete committee are coming…
Aaaargh! The fete committee! Is the vicar coming? I’m hyperventilating on your behalf already. Have you got a big cupboard you can shove everything in?
There was this really depressing article in the news the other week. It said “up till now, research showed that post-menopausal women had to exercise for more than 30 minutes a day to maintain their weight and not get any fatter. Now research shows that it’s more than an hour a day.”
That’s just not to put on weight. It’s not to lose weight, or anything nice like that.
God, that IS depressing. An hour a day?? There’s no way I’ll manage that. I’ll be like a watermelon. With pepperoni legs.
how many pears did you get through making that, i’m imagining your kids eating you later as part of their 5 a day. i’m a mellon with carrot legs, pointy bit at the bottom… could go on. missed you over the break.
I know the designer in you is probably tutting at the slapdash finish – I apologise for the visible Sellotape. Carrot legs are a good thing. If ONLY I had carrot legs…
God, I never knew about the non-responders. Now I know why sending Husband to the gym once a week doesn’t work… and there was me thinking he was just driving round the block a few times before coming home again. Actually, I’m not sure why it should surprise me to find he’s a non-responder in the exercise sphere… there’s probably a known link with suffering from selective hearing!
Yes, I think there probably is. It’s definitely genetic. I remember my dad, back in the 1970s, managed to be both skinny AND flabby, despite spending all his weekends working on his allotment, laying paving slabs, etc. A definite non-responder.
You may find this odd – we spent an ‘all sorts of fun day’ making people out of fruit about a month ago. Let me explain – my husband has written a children’s book about fruit people we decided to submit it to the agent accompanied by a basket full of fruit – with funny stick on eyes, the odd moustache, hair where appropriate and various other ‘novelty’ accessories. At the time I thought it was slightly odd behaviour – the children rolled on the floor laughing though and now I come across your pear ! FANTASTIC ! Made me laugh out loud which is good – my sister found a dead mouse under my sofa earlier today. Love it ! Thanks !
I don’t find it odd at all, Belgravia Wife, I find it commendable. What is your husband’s book called? Tell us more – I love nothing more than a bit of anthropomorphised fruit and veg. Fingers crossed he lands that deal.
lol-ing very much! You’re an inspiration – not to attempt fruit-whittling, buying an exercise DVD or even attempting to keep up with one – but your post has made me want to ‘fess up to some serious Jane Fonda avoidance from my dim and murky past. Hope you don’t mind!
Very funny. Love conference pear-girl. Believe am more sweet-but-still-couch-potato myself.
Just visited you – exciting news about the agent! Jolly well done.
You ARE funny, I’m feeling fruity too I may have some grapes, crushed and in a chilled bottle, ah Chablis, so good for you…
Sorry, my blog put you in my spam folder AGAIN! Why does it pick on you? What a bastard.
Brazil nuts?? Why not cobnuts, pray?
Yes, I should have thought of that! They would have done just fine. Peanuts, almonds, pecans – I guess any nuts would do. My legs are just nut-like.
Other people’s Easter eggs (I can’t think who’s) have rendered my lower half into lumpy mash potato in just 2 weeks. Before this I was less lumpy mash potato in slightly smaller portions. Why did Jesus have to die and make us eat inferior chocolate until we collapse? Why?
Must get out my favourite exercise video – Withnail & I.
I bought a big packet of bright yellow marshmallow chicks for my children (they were marshmallows – my particular weakness – IN A SUGAR COATING). I think the children got one each, and I hid the rest behind a copy of The Sunday Times and wolfed them. I blame Jesus, too.
I bought that DVD too, god knows why. I did spend an hour laughing hysterically at it once, but since then it’s stayed firmly at the back of the DVD cupboard. I love your fruit person. There aren’t enough fruit people in the world, if you ask me.
Don’t tell me that, Heather – I’ll be tempted to make some more. x
I dunno – “non responder” sounds to me a bit like Oppositional Defiant Disorder – i.e. a bit too bloody convenient.
I obviously am one. And I have that.
I have toyed with the idea of instantly losing 2 stone through amputation – I should probably distract myself by making a man with blond hair an a tan outta some oranges and sweetie papers….
Yes, why don’t you do that? My pear lady needs some fruity company.
Oh, that’s right, you have a job and a life…
Nope! Neither – where do you think all the blogging time comes from? Bwahahahaha!
just caught your crushes blog….
yeap I am A guy and yeap……they all ticked my box!
Oh good, someone else with great taste. Let’s agree not to fight over them, John – as long as I get Tom Hardy I’m happy.
I’m sure you’ve had dozens of awards/shout-outs/stalkers BUT I’ve nominated you for an award anyway….do with it as you see fit. Thank you for your blog
Lou
x
Just been over to yours and seen your post – thank you! x
I have just found you and am laughing so much – good chance of pwy especially as i am bfeeding a baby so star jumps are a long way out of my mind.
will be back to read more
Thank you, Amanda. There’s plenty more where that came from. Next week: my anal prolapse…
Davina Mc Call everytime.
Slightly annoying but much more realistic. Although some stress incontinence moments are entirely possible.
Yes, I quite like Dav, too. Those ‘jump jump squat’ things she does often send me running to the bathroom though.
I am new to your blog. Let me introduce myself, I am a watermelon with kiwi legs and cherry tomato breasts. Tomatoes are a fruit, you know.
Anna May x
Thanks for visiting, Anna May, hope you’ll call again. Cherry tomato breasts you say? You lucky thing. Mine are raisins.
Well I think you’re very good at making people out of fruit and it sounds a lot easier than Hannah flipping Waterman’s nasty DVD.
Last year I decided enough was enough. I had to lose some weight fast before I turned into my mother. I bought a Wii Fit, spent four hours trying to set the bloody thing up, stood on the platform and it told me I had the fitness level of a 52 year-old. I was 40 and deeply offended and have refused to play with it again until it apologises and tells me I’ve got the body of Elle and the fitness of Madonna…
Yes, my Wii is a total fascist too. I am gutted I cannot master the ski jump. I am ‘unbalanced’, apparently.
I did star jumps on the trampoline (aged 50) thinking my son’s girlfriend would be so impressed at her boyfriend’s cool and super fit Mum – let’s just say I had to shamefacedly skulk indoors and change my linen trousers………. great first impression!!
Well, she deserves to know what awaits her once her pelvic floor has been damaged by childbirth. We should spread the message to teenagers – might be a brilliant form of contraception?