Tag Archives: holidays with parents

Half-term in Norfolk: a photo-story

STARRING: Buzz Lightyear as Grandpa, Cinderella as Granny and Barbie as Not Waving But Ironing. And introducing two Playmobil people as the kids.

Not Waving is in the kitchen, happily preparing some food for the barbecue. Enter Granny and Grandpa, who’ve been out birdwatching or visiting the King’s Lynn pencil museum or something.

Grandpa: ‘Oh! What are you doing?’

Not Waving: ‘Just making a potato salad for tonight.’

Grandpa: ‘What are you putting in it?’

Not Waving: ‘Um, potatoes. And stuff.’

Grandpa: ‘Right, I’ll go and chop some herbs from the garden. You’ll need some mint and some chives.’

Not Waving: ‘It’s OK, Dad, it’s under control…’

Granny: ‘There’s half a potato in the fridge from last Tuesday night. I’ll scrape the mould off it and you can add it to the salad.’

Not Waving: ‘It’s okay, I’ve got plenty of potatoes.’

Granny: ‘But we CAN’T let this one go to waste.’

Not Waving: ‘It’s not 1944, Mother!’

Grandpa: ‘I’ve got the herbs. If you move aside, I’ll just add the mayonnaise.’

Grandma: ‘Here, John, throw in this rancid green potato, too.’

Not Waving [in the voice of Beelzebub]: ‘LEAVE ME!!!!!!!’ [Outside, the sky darkens. Dogs whimper. Flocks of crows scatter.]

Later, in the living room…

Grandpa: ‘What’s this you’re watching?’

Not Waving: ‘Britain’s Got Talent.’

Grandpa: ‘Jesus Christ! What a load of rubbish!’

Not Waving: ‘I like it, actually.’

Grandpa [muttering]: ‘Oh, for God’s sake. How bloody awful.’

Not Waving Juniors: ‘We like it, too, Grandpa.’

Grandma: ‘There’s an interesting documentary about Tibetan yaks on BBC4. Let’s put that on instead.’

Grandpa: ‘Now that’s more like it!’

Early morning. The children are rampaging…

Not Waving: ‘Calm down, you two, Granny and Grandpa are trying to have a lie-in.’

Mae: ‘I’m going to kick Charlie’s bumhole!’

Charlie: ‘I’m going to do a poo in Mae’s face!’

Mae: ‘I’m going to wee in Charlie’s face!’

Charlie: ‘I will drink your wee and then wee it out again – in Grandpa’s eyes!

Granny and Grandpa: ‘What revolting children.’

Not Waving: ‘I want to go home…’

I do believe I have just redefined the expression ‘too much time on one’s hands’.

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