Back to school: the shrivel-breasted hag speaks

Momm-i, the Shrivel-Breasted Hag, is addressing her seven-year-old son on the eve of his return to school.

Momm-i: ‘So, you are in Juniors now. This is a very important year for you, my son. You’ll have to work harder, and there’s less chance to play. It’s vital that you sort out your attitude.

Momm-i: ‘I’ve prepared a Powerpoint presentation, and I’d like you to pay attention to this year’s key objectives. Number one: concentrate! Did you hear what I just said?’

Spawn of Momm-i: ‘Huh?’

Momm-i: ‘By Drazon’s bowels, this is exactly what I am talking about! You never listen! That has to change, or you are going to fall further and further behind! And then it will be too late, you hear me?’

Spawn of Momm-i: ‘Too late for what?’

Momm-i: ‘SILENCE! I am speaking! When Momm-i speaks, you listen! You always think you have the answer for everything! Well, let me tell you, you have a lot to learn! If you don’t work hard at school, you will not get a job when you grow up, and you will have to sleep on the streets and look for food in the bins outside Count Zaylion’s Castle of Despair!

Spawn of Momm-i: ‘I’m going to be an inventor.’

Momm-i: ‘Oh, really? Well, inventors need at least 9 good GCSEs, and three or four science A-levels, then you’ll need a degree and possibly a PhD. How are you going to achieve all that if you never listen?

Spawn of Momm-i: ‘Can I go and watch Pokemon now?’

Momm-i: ‘By Lord Wrathgar’s mighty phallus, I despair!