Place your Christmas orders for my novelty aprons!

Christmas is coming, and what better way to celebrate the festive season than with a hand-printed, 100 per cent cotton novelty apron?*

Wear one on Christmas Day to impress your mother-in-law. Wear one around the house every day, in a vain attempt to make yourself feel efficient and useful, like you imagine people who wear aprons to be. Wear one to soak up your S.A.D.-induced tears, because the St John’s Wort just doesn’t seem to be working for you any more.

Our aprons cost just £6.99, and are lovingly hand-crafted by South Korean orphans in a 6ft x 4ft shed with no incoming natural light and no access to toilet facilities.

* All aprons are guaranteed 100 per cent hypothetical.

Choose from:

Order no 017A/Mildly depressed

I know I don’t strictly need it to cook microwave lasagne, but what the fuck

Order no 017B/In need of Prozac

Does my depression look big in this?

Order no 017C/Full-blown midlife crisis

My God, what’s happened to me? I’m wearing a motherfucking apron

Order no 017D/Menopause

If you can’t stand the heat, try HRT

Order no 017E/Mother-in-law visit 1

Remove my giblets, daub me with butter and stuff my cavity

Order no 017F/Mother-in-law visit 2

Your son is impotent

Order no 017G/NCT coffee morning

“Because you have sinned against the LORD, I will make you as helpless as a blind man searching for a path.  Your blood will be poured out into the dust, and your bodies will lie there rotting on the ground.”

(Zephaniah 1:7:18 NLT)

Also available: matching oven gloves, £4.99

We also print customised aprons to order: send your own slogans via the comments box below.



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65 responses to “Place your Christmas orders for my novelty aprons!

  1. Please accept my hypothetical order for one of each. They are brilliant.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thank you for your order. Maybe I will give the orphans an extra portion of gruel, so they can work even harder. It is nearly Xmas, after all.

  2. Order no. 017…/Annoying Husband #1
    “If you can’t say anything nice, would you please just shut the fuck up? Ta.”

  3. Brilliant. You have found your true calling. Please can I have one that says ‘it took me fucking ages to burn this!”

    Many thanks.

  4. myf

    Sorry for putting a link in but this always cheers me up (if you haven’t done a new blog that is), i have never made anything but all sounds so fucking good.

    Mine would say something like “Yes dear this is wheat free gluten free taste free….”

    • notwavingbutironing

      Your midlife crisis, when it comes, will be flour-rich cake-based – you’ll sit in front of B every night scoffing brownies and pasta and biscuits and drinking gin. He has it coming!

  5. I sooooooooo want one of these!

    • notwavingbutironing

      I am actually tempted to do it for real – I think there’s a market. But then again, I’d have to actually pick up the phone and ACTION something. Too scary. And far too tiring.

  6. ohhhhh…need! How about Hussyband one:

    If you cant cook at least pour me another glass of bloody wine and set the table!

  7. Much lolling at all of these – I esp. like the Die! Die! oven mitts…. would this be a reference to the cremated food within the oven or to the waiting throng at the table?

  8. I’m just spoilt for choice.

  9. Oh, bloody hell, I want ALL of them!! Still cant stop giggling, esp over the ‘stuff the cavity’ one… chuckle. Wish I could think up a stunning one liner for another apron, but have stuffed myself with scones, jam and butter and have no coherent thoughts other than, I want to be Sick.
    But at least now Christmas presents are all sorted. x

    • notwavingbutironing

      I think ‘I want to be sick’ would work brilliantly, Ladybird. It would sum up my thoughts about being in the kitchen, and life in general.
      Am jealous of your cream tea. Although it sounds like you deserved it after your exhausting mega-strop – well done. Did you head rotate the full 360 degrees?

  10. I would like one with a picture of a pair of scissors on the front, and the slogan “Time to cut the strings! Time to cut the strings!”

  11. Chris Dymond

    What about: “I used to have an expense account…”?

    • notwavingbutironing

      If only it were true, Chris. More like, ‘I used to earn f-all, but at least my pelvic floor was intact in those days.’
      Still, I like it. I think there’s something in this aprons thing. Who wants to invest?

  12. I want the motherfucking apron one… I can so relate. I must be in mid-life crisis. Am also contemplating setting up a crafting room and already have own a puffer vest. x

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ah, the crafting room. I am hopeless at craft, but am thinking my piano lessons (started this year at the age of 41) are the musical equivalent. Let’s get together in the parlour later – I can tinkle the ivories, while you make paper doilies.

      • …beg to differ, Not-waving, since we’ve all seen and won’t forget the potato-person posting a while back. And what you can do with a knickerless client and a mermaid hairdresser has to be seen to be believed… not crafty? Not likely!

  13. I want an apron for each day that says:
    Monday: original meal
    Tuesday: fried leftovers
    Wednesday: boiled leftovers
    Thursday:roasted leftovers
    Friday: curried leftovers
    Saturday: yes it’s bloody leftovers
    Sunday: Meat and two leftovers (gravy optional)

    • notwavingbutironing

      Great idea. And very wise words in these times of austerity, Big Mamma. My own mum in the 1970s would dish up the Sunday roast in various guises; by Wednesday, it was something she ominously called ‘ragout’ and which resembled old shoe leather. And look at me now, I’m a strapping 5 foot 4 in, with biceps like ping-pong balls.

    • love it – why isn’t there a simple ‘Leftovers’ caff round the corner…. oh wait… it’s just downstairs after all!

  14. #27 the domestic goddess
    ‘under this apron I’m naked………’

  15. How about one saying ‘what’s wrong with tuna and chocolate sauce? It’s bloody fusion cuisine ain’t it?’. My friend wants one of Sarah’s though

    • notwavingbutironing

      Good idea, Previously. There is definitely the gap in the novelty-apron market. ‘Hot stuff’ and ‘Cooking up a storm’ just aren’t doing it for the women of today.

  16. Mwa

    This is officially my favourite post of the month. Maybe the year. Genius!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thank you, Mwa (or do you prefer L.I.T.?)! I am VERY flattered. Will send you a hypothetical apron free of charge.x

  17. Great. There must be a few more for the mother in law visits.

    ‘no, you are quite right, I don’t know how to boil water’

    ‘I don’t interfere in the kitchen when you are cooking. Now BACK OFF!’ (actually that one isn’t restricted to my mother in law – also intended to be aimed at my mother, my husband, my father in law and my children (on the basis that they make too much noise for me to listen to the Radio when they enter the kitchen)

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh, I like those, esp. number one. I’ve never dared cook for my mother-in-law since I made a chicken with pesto dish that looked, and smelled, like dog sick. I binned it and sent my husband for a Chinese.

  18. Any thoughts of approaching Lakeland with your ‘motherfucking’ design?

    • notwavingbutironing

      We have a Lakeland in town, actually. Could wander in there in my apron and gauge their reaction. They’d probably send in a SWAT team; this is Tunbridge Wells, after all.

  19. Ironing – I LOVE your blog. I have been meaning to visit you for bloody ages. A mutual friend IRL told me about you (ooooh intriguing! I will get your e-mail address off her and reveal her identity). I am in the ASD boat too – let me know if you fancy a chat – perhaps next time I visit our mutual friend we could have coffee. Fran xx

    • notwavingbutironing

      Well now, thank you for your kind words! And I am very intrigued. Reveal yourself! Coffee – yes please. Cake = even better. I am going to ‘visit’ you virtually when I’ve finished this. Put on the cyber kettle…

  20. knackeredmother

    #1405 The Joan Rivers’ Apron

    ‘Why should a woman cook? So a man can say ‘oh my wife makes a delicious cake!’ to some hooker?

    Put yourself up for the next Dragon’s Den!

    KM x

  21. Donkey Lasher

    *Like* a lot.

    For those with husbands who think all cooking is womens work, how about something on the lines of;

    ‘just because the jumper is lumpy, doesn’t mean the apron belongs to me, you chauvenistic pig’

  22. Also, what about “I have tasted so much of this meal while cooking it that I will actually chuck up if I have a portion at the table as well. Hurling Hostess!”

  23. Oh my god, this is absolutely fabulous. (The message, not the South Korean orphans, of course.)

  24. It’s the same as I told you last time you asked.
    And at the time I last stated.
    If you must eat something while you wait could it be fruit?
    Yes I only make things you don’t like.
    Yes I expect you to eat at least one of each vegetable.
    No you can’t have pudding unless you eat all your first course.

    A printed apron could be just what I need! Genius!

  25. lavenderjack

    Brilliant. How about ‘Cooking is futile. You’ll just eat it and I’ll need to do it all again tomorrow’ or ‘Why does it take an hour to cook and only five minutes for you to shovel it down your neck?’ Both of these appeal 🙂

  26. Genius! Utter genius. Have I told you lately that I love you?

  27. Hey can I order one for My Mom’s visit:

    If you tell me one more time how I’m not cooking the turkey correctly I’m going to stuff a drumstick down your gullet

    • notwavingbutironing

      I’m assuming you’re looking forward to Xmas, then? Maybe you can strangle your mother with my ‘Shut up, bitch!’ paisley oven gloves.

  28. Waving, I have locked my blog but if you follow me back on Twatter (am @francescajlewis) I will DM you and we can make plans

  29. Just found your blog via Mon Avis Mes Amis. Your blog is fab, right up my ironing board! need that apron.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh good, glad you found me. Is Mon Avis back in business? She took an extended break and I’ve really missed her.

  30. notwavingbutironing

    Did I mention I don’t understand Twitter. No idea what I’m doing. I think I’ve just clicked to follow you but can’t be sure. Der…

  31. Lou

    How lovely. Thank you Martha….. I’ll take the lot.

    Handy Tip: After slaughter, soaking blood-soaked items in a cold salt water bath, gets rid of all stains……. not sure what you do with the body though.

  32. How about ‘Today’s dinner is tomorrow’s shit anyway so I’ve cut out the middle man’

    This pretty much sums up my cooking skills/all skills/attitude to life…..

    And for the oven mitts: ‘Fuck’ and ‘Off’

    This pretty much sums up my attitude to Xmas.

  33. All those one liners I long to say…esp to MIL…..better put in my order for the lot!

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