Wear one on Christmas Day to impress your mother-in-law. Wear one around the house every day, in a vain attempt to make yourself feel efficient and useful, like you imagine people who wear aprons to be. Wear one to soak up your S.A.D.-induced tears, because the St John’s Wort just doesn’t seem to be working for you any more.
Our aprons cost just £6.99, and are lovingly hand-crafted by South Korean orphans in a 6ft x 4ft shed with no incoming natural light and no access to toilet facilities.
* All aprons are guaranteed 100 per cent hypothetical.
Order no 017A/Mildly depressed
I know I don’t strictly need it to cook microwave lasagne, but what the fuck
Order no 017B/In need of Prozac
Does my depression look big in this?
Order no 017C/Full-blown midlife crisis
My God, what’s happened to me? I’m wearing a motherfucking apron
Order no 017D/Menopause
If you can’t stand the heat, try HRT
Order no 017E/Mother-in-law visit 1
Remove my giblets, daub me with butter and stuff my cavity
Order no 017F/Mother-in-law visit 2
Your son is impotent
Order no 017G/NCT coffee morning
“Because you have sinned against the LORD, I will make you as helpless as a blind man searching for a path. Your blood will be poured out into the dust, and your bodies will lie there rotting on the ground.”
(Zephaniah 1:7:18 NLT)
Also available: matching oven gloves, £4.99
We also print customised aprons to order: send your own slogans via the comments box below.