Women concerned about whether or not they have officially entered middle age will soon be able to have their minds set to rest. Researchers at the Not Waving But Ironing Institute of Sciencey Stuff in Tunbridge Wells have come up with a simple test that defines the exact moment when youth tips into middle age.
‘Formerly, health experts have had to rely on measuring oestrogen levels to define where “hotness” ends and “hausfrau” begins,’ explains chief medical officer Dr Not Waving. ‘However, we discovered that far more accurate results can be obtained by measuring women’s differing responses to a youtube clip of new MTV presenter Ash Stymest.
‘Those still in the first flush of youth responded, “OMG, he’s so hot! I love him!!!!”,’ reveals Dr Not Waving ‘while those who were approaching the perimenopause commonly reacted with, “OMG, who is this callow, jumped-up, mock-Cockney douchebag?! Christ, if my son ever starts behaving like this dickwad when he grows up, I will be compelled to kick in the door of his dingy Camden squat and beat him to death with a rolled-up copy of I-D magazine. Prick.”’
Dr Not Waving hopes the test will eventually become mandatory for all women over 35. ‘It will give a clear indication as to whether they can carry on partying and saying things like, ‘That’s soooo random!’ for another few years, or whether they should be joining the National Trust, buying a pair of comfortable Viyella slacks and setting Sky+ to record “Midsomer Murders”.’