Some of you probably think, given my fixation with school reading books and Ros from ‘Spooks’, that I don’t have much going on in my life. Well, think again! Next week I’m going to the PTA fund-raising quiz night at the school! That wiped the smile off your face, huh?
I’ve been half-heartedly preparing by looking at the royal family trees in ‘The Dangerous Book for Boys’, but with each year that passes I’m finding it harder and harder to retain any information unless it’s illustrated with a nice big colourful picture. I forced myself to read Bill Bryson’s ‘Short History of Nearly Everything’ a few months ago, which is full of fascinating information about science-y thingummy stuff, but the only piece of information I have retained is that Hubble (of the telescope fame) was really, really good-looking. Still, it might come in useful…‘Question 43. Who was the hottest astronomer in the world, ever?’
[Me, jumping up and down in chair:] ‘Oooh, I know this one!!’
Anyway, here’s another pointless list. I do like a list.
5 signs your brainpower is in terminal decline
- You malaprop constantly, referring to ‘David Beckenham’, and ‘Cheryl Crow off the X Factor’.
- You play Big Brain Academy on the Nintendo DS and your score puts you in the same intelligence bracket as a watermelon.
- You practise and practise Big Brain Academy for three solid months, and your final score puts you in the same intelligence bracket as a bluebottle.
- You take the filter out of the goldfish’s tank to clean it, then you are completely and utterly unable to work out how the goddamn thing fits back in, despite having the instructions spread out in front of you. So you carrying on twisting the bloody tubing for 25 minutes and trying to force it through the wrong hole, occasionally muttering, ‘What??! I have put ‘tube A’ back into ‘valve C’, motherfucker!’ while your child weeps in the corner and whimpers, ‘Is Goldie going to die, Mummy?’