Tag Archives: last of the mohicans

Welcome to my hunk-o-market

Step inside, ladies (and possibly gentlemen, although I don’t get many visitors of the male persuasion. Must be the word ‘ironing’ in my blog title, repelling them like insecticide). Feel free to browse my midlife crushes. I do hope you’ll find something that takes your fancy.

Ah, the Armitage. A fine choice if I may say so. Yes, I’ve chosen to stock only the ‘North and South Mini-series’ model. I did consider taking a dozen or so of the ‘Lucas from Spooks’ version from the supplier, but in my opinion, it was rather lightweight, and looked like a celebrity hairdresser. The ‘North & South’ version broods with passionate intensity, and is guaranteed to make you dissatisfied that you married Steve from Accounts and live in new-build semi in Bracknell.

The Day-Lewis, as you rightly point out, is not to everyone’s taste. However, I’d urge you to consider his finer points in the ‘Last of the Mohicans’ – firing muskets, running really fast and athletically through the forest wearing buckskin, and the ‘I will find you!’ scene. A word of warning; do not be tempted to buy the cheaper, ‘real life’ version of the Day-Lewis that you see at celebrity parties. It is known for sexual-fantasy-puncturing breakdowns in dress sense like this:

Oh, no, I’m terribly sorry, Madam, the ‘Tom Hardy in The Virgin Queen’ is not for sale. He is for my own personal use. I don’t know what he’s doing out here, actually. I usually keep him in a brown paper bag under the counter.

I see you have picked up the ‘Viggo-as-Aragorn’. Please handle it with care, it’s over 50 years old. Like the actual Day-Lewis, the ‘Real Life Viggo’ is best given a wide berth; apparently it suffers from artistic incontinence, and will frequently spew out photography, artworks and execrable poetry. And it likes jazz. This Aragorn version, however, is the perfect man: noble, ardent and strong. And he wields an enormous sword.

Yes indeed, I do have some oddities in my bargain bin. The ‘Richard Coyle’ is a snip at £2.99, but that’s because most people only know him as the creepy Welsh saddo in ‘Coupling’. Not the bleached-blonde, frilly-shirted West Country hottie that he is in ‘Lorna Doone’. Why not watch clips of ‘Lorna Doone’ on Youtube when you’re supposed to be working, so you can moon over his gorgeous, puppy-dog face in the scene where Lorna snubs him at court? Then go and pick the kids up from school in the rain, wearing wrinkles and a frumsy-looking grey parka.

Pardon? No, I don’t stock ‘the Clooney’. Personally I have never fancied him. (He weeps into his 500-thread Egyptian cotton pillow tonight. On his yacht.)



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