Welcome to my hunk-o-market

Step inside, ladies (and possibly gentlemen, although I don’t get many visitors of the male persuasion. Must be the word ‘ironing’ in my blog title, repelling them like insecticide). Feel free to browse my midlife crushes. I do hope you’ll find something that takes your fancy.

Ah, the Armitage. A fine choice if I may say so. Yes, I’ve chosen to stock only the ‘North and South Mini-series’ model. I did consider taking a dozen or so of the ‘Lucas from Spooks’ version from the supplier, but in my opinion, it was rather lightweight, and looked like a celebrity hairdresser. The ‘North & South’ version broods with passionate intensity, and is guaranteed to make you dissatisfied that you married Steve from Accounts and live in new-build semi in Bracknell.

The Day-Lewis, as you rightly point out, is not to everyone’s taste. However, I’d urge you to consider his finer points in the ‘Last of the Mohicans’ – firing muskets, running really fast and athletically through the forest wearing buckskin, and the ‘I will find you!’ scene. A word of warning; do not be tempted to buy the cheaper, ‘real life’ version of the Day-Lewis that you see at celebrity parties. It is known for sexual-fantasy-puncturing breakdowns in dress sense like this:

Oh, no, I’m terribly sorry, Madam, the ‘Tom Hardy in The Virgin Queen’ is not for sale. He is for my own personal use. I don’t know what he’s doing out here, actually. I usually keep him in a brown paper bag under the counter.

I see you have picked up the ‘Viggo-as-Aragorn’. Please handle it with care, it’s over 50 years old. Like the actual Day-Lewis, the ‘Real Life Viggo’ is best given a wide berth; apparently it suffers from artistic incontinence, and will frequently spew out photography, artworks and execrable poetry. And it likes jazz. This Aragorn version, however, is the perfect man: noble, ardent and strong. And he wields an enormous sword.

Yes indeed, I do have some oddities in my bargain bin. The ‘Richard Coyle’ is a snip at £2.99, but that’s because most people only know him as the creepy Welsh saddo in ‘Coupling’. Not the bleached-blonde, frilly-shirted West Country hottie that he is in ‘Lorna Doone’. Why not watch clips of ‘Lorna Doone’ on Youtube when you’re supposed to be working, so you can moon over his gorgeous, puppy-dog face in the scene where Lorna snubs him at court? Then go and pick the kids up from school in the rain, wearing wrinkles and a frumsy-looking grey parka.

Pardon? No, I don’t stock ‘the Clooney’. Personally I have never fancied him. (He weeps into his 500-thread Egyptian cotton pillow tonight. On his yacht.)

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39 Comments

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39 responses to “Welcome to my hunk-o-market

  1. I’d recommend that you get right over to Radio 4 now and sample The Armitage as Lovelace in Clarissa. It’s not going to end well, we all know this, but it is going to be very, very long.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oooh, I may have to listen on iplayer. Is it in 100 parts? I have a short attention span but am prepared to make an exception for the Armitage.

  2. I see you haven’t mentioned the Grant. Has he been discontinued? And do you send out swatches?

    • notwavingbutironing

      Can post Viggo’s cheekbones, or Armitage’s buttocks (in English White or American Tan) out to you first class, Lucille. Am afraid I de-listed The Grant after ‘Music and Lyrics’ but I am waiting for a consignment of ‘John Simms from The Devil’s Whore’ to come in from Hong Kong, if that’s of any interest. Should be here Tuesday.

  3. Swatches! That really made me laugh.

  4. I’m sensing a theme here… Period Totty perhaps?

    • notwavingbutironing

      Well, slap my leather breeches, I think you could be right, Gappy. I hadn’t even noticed – bit worrying. Perhaps I should join The Sealed Knot?

  5. Anne

    May I take the Armitage, gift wrapped please. I promise to return him unharmed ( well , maybe slightly traumatised) His mother must be very proud. He looks so very clean, without looking wimpish. And I bet he can bite.
    If he doesn’t come up to expectation, may I exchange? Aragorn I think. I like his brother too, so that could be useful .

    • notwavingbutironing

      I will have the Armitage bathed, oiled and sent to your tent immediately, Anne. BTW, I can’t link to your site – what’s your address? I want to see what you’ve got in your store.

  6. Can I put in a request or two please? There’s the slightly grubby Tim Roth and at the other end of the spectrum that nice Robert Pattinson who surely needs rescued from all those teenagers and shown a thing or two.

    • notwavingbutironing

      I’ll see what I can do, Ellen. I’ve got heaps more stock in the backroom. There’s the ‘John Cusack in Grosse Point Blank’, the ‘Russell Crowe in Gladiator (But Only in Gladiator, As Off-screen He Is a Cock of the Highest Order)’, and many more besides…

  7. I sent back my Armitage after he killed Marion in Robin Hood – a fact of which I know you are aware after the camp hat episode.

    In fact I’m not sure I like much of your stock. Are my statutory rights affected?

    I already have a six inch model of David Tennant – or my son does. In fact it is quite disconcerting to see your crush displayed everywhere in your son’s bedroom – from his pyjamas to his posters. Once he gets replaced with Matt Smith, I will no longer have reason to go in there.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Was considering stocking ‘The Tennant’, but my Gaydar bleeps every time he comes on TV. Sooooo gutted he’s not the Doctor any more, though. Matt Smith is far too young, far too pale and has ludicrous asymmetrical hair. (Symmetrical hair is a thing of mine. Sorry, Phil Oakey.)

  8. I am bewildered. Hopelessly stuck in a time warp. Do you have any back issues of Jeff Goldblum, injured and sweating in black leather, looking like a tasty bite for a Trex?

    Otherwise these days I’d rather settle for nice lady to drink tea with. Are you branching out in this direction any time soon. Perhaps a sample of GaGa may help me make up my mind.

    • notwavingbutironing

      No Goldblums, I’m afraid, Madame, but I might have something X-rated in the back room that will catch your eye. Just through the beaded curtain…
      Have I beaten this shop metaphor to death yet, do you think? God, I think I’ve just made a metaphor about a metaphor. Aaaargh, I can’t stop…

  9. lol-ing very much at this. ladies! Swatches! I was wondering, with your Period Totty range that you might have a nice Aiden Turner with his Pre- Raphaelite pattern or even an older ‘FlashHeart’ of the Rik Mayall persuasion? I reckon it’s the breeches and the codpieces that makes this range so appealing!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Just looked up Aidan Turner. He was born in 1983! And he has facial hair and everything! Rik Mayall is about the right age, at least. My one celebrity claim to fame: his sister was in my ballet class, and she was extremely nice.

  10. I am disappointed you don’t have a Clooney. I’ve tried everywhere – even on ebay. You can’t get one for love nor money. I must say I’m not overly keen on the rest of your stock either. I don’t think I’ll be shopping here again.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Well, it’s choosy customers like you, Mother, who give the rest of us desperate, anyone-with-a-pulse-will-do middle-aged women a bad name!

  11. Apart from the Armitage (infinitely superior to Mr.Hood and his outlaws), I too am struggling! The Tennant I’d have taken like a shot, or the Simm… But where’s Daniel Craig? It was very hard to go to bed and leave him to Vesper on Saturday but I find late nights ruin my days.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ah, the Craig. Can’t quite get over his brief fling with Sienna Miller – it has tainted him in my eyes. But still, he makes a fine, fine Bond. Will put him on order.

  12. You’re getting in John Simm in The Devil’s Whore? Why didn’t you say?

  13. I’m a little disappointed with what you have on 0ffer and particularly miffed that you tempt us with George Clooney and the image of him lying in bed on his yacht but refuse to deliver.

    Could I please put a request in for something clean cut, square jawed, not too hairy and preferably not gay.

    Many thanks

    • notwavingbutironing

      Just picture the Clooney cutting his toenails over the side of the bed, Mummeeeee. I find this helps.

  14. penny

    followed you from Diney’s blog….. sigh – we seem to have the same taste in men !
    I love love love the name of your blog !!!!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Glad someone likes my stock, Penny. We can divide up the spoils between ourselves. We might have to rip Richard Armitage in two, though, and that would be a shame.
      Can’t link to your blog, BTW – what’s your address?

  15. What about Patrick Swaze in those tight trousers in North and South (am I the oldest person here?)

    • notwavingbutironing

      LOVED North and South! The campest miniseries since The Thorn Birds. Loved the Swayze, and wanted to look like Lesley Anne whatsername. Don’t know which of them had the finer cheekbones.

  16. But what are you going to DO about your crushes? Any of them? All of them?

    • notwavingbutironing

      Not sure, Inkspot, but I’m thinking of becoming more and more obsessive about the idea of ‘the grand passion’ as my looks gradually decline, to the point where I start to sideline and then ignore my husband while seeking refuge in miniseries DVD box sets. And finally I’ll get a divorce. Good idea? Bad idea?

  17. myf

    and i would like a less cheating but still really arrogant Jon Hamm in the Don Draper style please, though in this instance he would have to cheat. i’ll be watching through the blinds for the parcel force van every day this week in hope. ttfn

    • notwavingbutironing

      Special delivery coming your way next time, Mrs Myf. He’s being Fed-exed straight from Manhattan…

  18. I’m going to trump Ms Frog in the Field with a nostalgic swoon in memory of Tyrone Power. There – a proper film star!

    He WASN’T gay he wasn’t he wasn’t he wasn’t……………

    Maybe I just like pirates. Maybe pirates liked pirates? I’m getting upset. Where’s that tea? Through here? Oh my word!…………..

  19. Tennant! no, no, no that’s just wrong, totally agree with the gaydar comment……..actually Gaydar would be a really good name for a shy Dalek?……..sorry I digress, I’m trying to order a wet shirted Mr Darcy type for my sister, any suggestions?

  20. notwavingbutironing

    Ah, now he was v swoonsome indeed. I like a nice dark Irish man myself. Perhaps I’ll open a special antiques wing of the shop. NOT gay, I don’t think, but my Gaydar often malfunctions.

  21. I have a friend who was in the same primary school class as David Tennant (since we’re talking about him). I’ve seen a picture of him age 5 sitting cross-legged in the front row.

  22. That last comment seems so pervy for some reason. I know it isn’t. I know it’s just me……….

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