Tag Archives: droopy boobs

What NOT to tell your daughter: a photo-story

Not Waving But Ironing and her daughter Mae are getting changed after swimming.

Mae Not Waving: ‘I’m dressed now, Mummy. Can we go and get some hot chocolate?’

Not Waving But Ironing: ‘Just a minute, I’m looking for my breasts. I saw them down here somewhere.’

NWBI: ‘Ah, here they are. They were on the floor.’

Mae: ‘Mummy, why are your boobies all droopy?’

NWBI [patiently]: ‘Well, Mae, boobies come in all different shapes and sizes. But it doesn’t matter what they look like, they’re for feeding babies.’

Mae: ‘Even droopy ones.’

NWBI: ‘Yes, even those. And do you have to say “droopy” quite so loudly?’

Enter Perky Pertpants, the neighbour’s Australian au pair.

Perky: ‘Oh, g’day Mrs Not Waving, g’day Mae.’

Mae: ‘Hello Perky. You are beautiful.’

Perky: ‘Hey, Mrs NW, d’you happen to have any body lotion that I can rub languorously over my silken, toned limbs? Ideally while standing right next to you, so that juxtaposed with my 21-year-old body, yours looks like it belongs to a mountain troll?’

NWBI: ‘Body lotion?’ [Laughs like a maniac.] ‘I haven’t used that since 1998!’

Mae: ‘Perky’s boobies are like circles, aren’t they Mummy.’

NWBI: ‘Yes, they are.’

Mae [sings]: ‘Droopy boobies, droopy boobies…’

NWBI [hisses]: ‘Listen up, Perky’s boobies are like that because she’s never had a baby. You hear me? Having a baby stretches your boobies, and then they pop like balloons until there’s only shrivelled skin left.’

Mae [whimpering]: ‘You’re scaring me, Mummy!’

NWBI: ‘And I’ll tell you something else for nothing. Having a baby really hurts!’

Mae: ‘Boo, hoo! I’m never having children!’

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