I received a rather desperate email last night from Adam Blade*, author of the Beast Quest series of small-boy-pleasing stories. (No, he’s not a computer in the basement of Orchard Books. How can you even think that? The man’s an artist!). Incidentally, my son is a big fan – what he could tell you about Sepron the Sea Serpent, Arcta the Mountain Giant and Skor the Winged Stallion isn’t worth knowing.
Poor Adam, he’s writing series 75 of Beast Quest and is running out of inspiration. ‘I’ve done everything,’ he wrote. ‘Every variation of mythical beast. Series one, two and three were okay – I had my pick of minotaurs, phoenixes, dragons, trolls… Then for later series I had to get a bit leftfield, with ‘ghost panthers’ and vague, unnamed ‘fiery foes’. And then I really reached rock bottom with ‘Krabb, Master of the Sea’ – he was just a giant crustacean, for fuck’s sake. I mean, come on!’
Ladies and gents, can any of you help? I’ve been up all night wracking my brains, trying to think of new titles to inspire our literary friend. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
Premenstrua, the Goddess of Wrath
Kam-ron and Klegg, Masters of Chaos
Snuffles, Guinea Pig of Fury
Momm-i, the Shrivel-breasted Hag
Colon, the Bringer of Wind
Not Waving But Ironing, the Hairy One (oooh, she sounds scary!)
Puff the Magic Dragon
Ikea, the Inescapable Terror
Slagg, the Woman Behind the Boots Counter Who Practically Accused Me of Shoplifting That Second Bottle of Ambre Solaire, When It Was Clearly Labelled, ‘Buy 1 Get 1 Free’
I think we’re getting somewhere. But if any of you can help Adam, I know he’d love to hear your contributions. And so would I. Although I am awfully, awfully busy.
* Oh, okay, I didn’t really.
Not waving but ironing 