Join my Beast Quest Challenge! What? Have you got something better to do?

I received a rather desperate email last night from Adam Blade*, author of the Beast Quest series of small-boy-pleasing stories. (No, he’s not a computer in the basement of Orchard Books. How can you even think that? The man’s an artist!). Incidentally, my son is a big fan – what he could tell you about Sepron the Sea Serpent, Arcta the Mountain Giant and Skor the Winged Stallion isn’t worth knowing.

Poor Adam, he’s writing series 75 of Beast Quest and is running out of inspiration. ‘I’ve done everything,’ he wrote. ‘Every variation of mythical beast. Series one, two and three were okay – I had my pick of minotaurs, phoenixes, dragons, trolls… Then for later series I had to get a bit leftfield, with ‘ghost panthers’ and vague, unnamed ‘fiery foes’. And then I really reached rock bottom with ‘Krabb, Master of the Sea’ – he was just a giant crustacean, for fuck’s sake. I mean, come on!’

Ladies and gents, can any of you help? I’ve been up all night wracking my brains, trying to think of new titles to inspire our literary friend. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

Premenstrua, the Goddess of Wrath

Kam-ron and Klegg, Masters of Chaos

Snuffles, Guinea Pig of Fury

Momm-i, the Shrivel-breasted Hag

Colon, the Bringer of Wind

Not Waving But Ironing, the Hairy One (oooh, she sounds scary!)

Puff the Magic Dragon

Ikea, the Inescapable Terror

Slagg, the Woman Behind the Boots Counter Who Practically Accused Me of Shoplifting That Second Bottle of Ambre Solaire, When It Was Clearly Labelled, ‘Buy 1 Get 1 Free’

I think we’re getting somewhere. But if any of you can help Adam, I know he’d love to hear your contributions. And so would I. Although I am awfully, awfully busy.

* Oh, okay, I didn’t really.



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15 responses to “Join my Beast Quest Challenge! What? Have you got something better to do?

  1. Dear NWBI

    Please, take me back. Please.

    I told fibs in my letter yesterday. There is no funnier mummier than you.

    Best regards

    PS: Breastfeeder II – the Boobs that Ate Manhattan

  2. notwavingbutironing

    Dear Maxabella
    Well, seeing as you begged. And I like your marvellous boobs book title. Oh alright, come on in and put the kettle on.
    NWBI x

  3. Grunt the Boy-Teen: monosyllabic monster of Yeah-Whatever.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thank you, Trish, but I fear that might be TOO terrifying. We don’t want the parents of pre-teens to have nightmares.

  4. Boll ox, the beast that bores you to death by talking endless rubbish.
    Flass Sid, strikes fear into the heart (and other bits) of all upstanding men.
    Wang Car, this young guy’ll drive you mad.
    John Terry, aka Wang Car.

    • notwavingbutironing

      I knew you’d come through for me, Shouty Dad! I can just picture Tom, the boy hero, smiting John Terry with the Axe of Righteousness. Right in the boll ox.

  5. I can’t say. I’m too busy creating new Rainbow Fairies in my own basement.

    • notwavingbutironing

      That must be tough, too. Have you done a series based on kitchen utensils yet? Cassie the Can Opener Fairy, Sara the Spatula fairy… Might work?

  6. How about Pre-pubessant, the beast of Friggingstrops…

    No? Friggingstrops sound a bit midsummer murders? Ah well… back to the drawing board.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Something tells me you’re not taking this 100 per cent seriously, Gappy. Adam will remember this!

  7. libby

    Gasseeus Arsus….tales of the roman kitchen helper…

  8. bill fathers@shoutydad

    Morning, I don’t want to breach the code of anonymity, but could you email me as I’d like to discuss something. Or, rather, I’d like to discuss “something” (just to make it seem even more mysterious). Obviously this isn’t a comment about your latest post, but it’s the only way I can see of getting in touch. Bill

  9. Blighty

    Where have you gone Not Waving – a new post showed up but did not seem to be there. But this is classic, so good it hurts – we went through the dreaders Beast Quest phase – wot a load of crap! Blade is clearly a group of chimps with good word processing skills. Every book has that bit “As long as there is still breath in my body and blood in my veins…” god, it makes me tired just typing that tosh… please come back and make me laugh more soon xx

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