Check out my new slippers – hot stuff, huh? From the look on his face, I can tell my husband was blown away when he got home from Ireland last night to find me watching Ghost Whisperer, wearing these and with my snout stuck in a tube of Paprika Pringles. It’s a good job I wasn’t also wearing my towelling dressing gown, which I have to tie at the waist with a pair of tights because the belt got shredded in the tumble dryer.
Apart from wearing slippers designed for growing bunions in, here are some other ways to tell if you’re past your best:
* You can no longer carry off the wistful look. In your twenties, if you stared into the distance and pouted a bit, you looked like Maid Marion Surprised in a Forest Glade. Now you just look like you’ve had an accident in your Tena Lady pants.
* Puff sleeves, empire-line dresses and sweetheart necklines all make you look like Bette Davis in ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?’ As do pink blusher, above-the-knee hemlines, opaque tights, anything floral, and court shoes. Ditto everything else.
* You may have slapped moisturiser and SPF20 on your face for 20 years, but you forgot your neck and hands. Now you look like some part-human, part-alligator hybrid.