‘Dear Blah, I would like to apply for the job of library assistant/customer service adviser/anything at all really, whatever you’ve got. I haven’t worked on a full-time basis for seven years, but as CEO of My Own House I have picked up vital life skills that I am sure will prove invaluable to your organisation.
My day-to-day responsibilities include:
WHAT IS FOR TEA?
Daily nutritional decision making, based on an analysis of the contents of my fridge/freezer (‘Sausages again?’) and the number of mouth ulcers my children currently have (‘Maybe I should do some broccoli too?’). In addition, I have produced a 400-page report, inside my own head, on ‘What the collapsing financial markets mean for the teatimes of today’, and introduced a successful cost-saving strategy by purchasing more foods that list ‘cheese-flavoured topping’ in the ingredients, and stopping buying that nice chocolate with the ginger bits in.
IS THERE TOO MUCH CRAP ON THE FLOOR?
Hourly monitoring of the crap situation. Actioning ‘Hoovering’ and ‘picking shit up’ when the crap:visible carpet ratio becomes unbalanced.
ARE THE CHILDREN FUCKED-UP ENOUGH?
Inspired by the latest US research, I have split my personality into ’95 Per Cent Fun, Patient, Loving Mother’ and ‘Five Per Cent Psychopathic Gorgon’, and vacillate unexpectedly between the two. The effects of this policy on the next generation should be visible in 10 years or so.
MAINTAINING STAFF MORALE
I have adopted a clear ‘top down’ staff hierarchy, and implement it by undermining my own confidence, belittling my own creative ideas, and ordering myself to make me a cup of coffee and pick up my dry-cleaning.’