Tag Archives: job hunting

I’m CEO of my own house! Yeah!

‘Dear Blah, I would like to apply for the job of library assistant/customer service adviser/anything at all really, whatever you’ve got. I haven’t worked on a full-time basis for seven years, but as CEO of My Own House I have picked up vital life skills that I am sure will prove invaluable to your organisation.

My day-to-day responsibilities include:

WHAT IS FOR TEA?

Daily nutritional decision making, based on an analysis of the contents of my fridge/freezer (‘Sausages again?’) and the number of mouth ulcers my children currently have (‘Maybe I should do some broccoli too?’). In addition, I have produced a 400-page report, inside my own head, on ‘What the collapsing financial markets mean for the teatimes of today’, and introduced a successful cost-saving strategy by purchasing more foods that list ‘cheese-flavoured topping’ in the ingredients, and stopping buying that nice chocolate with the ginger bits in.

IS THERE TOO MUCH CRAP ON THE FLOOR?

Hourly monitoring of the crap situation. Actioning ‘Hoovering’ and ‘picking shit up’ when the crap:visible carpet ratio becomes unbalanced.

ARE THE CHILDREN FUCKED-UP ENOUGH?

Inspired by the latest US research, I have split my personality into ’95 Per Cent Fun, Patient, Loving Mother’ and ‘Five Per Cent Psychopathic Gorgon’, and vacillate unexpectedly between the two. The effects of this policy on the next generation should be visible in 10 years or so.

MAINTAINING STAFF MORALE

I have adopted a clear ‘top down’ staff hierarchy, and implement it by undermining my own confidence, belittling my own creative ideas, and ordering myself to make me a cup of coffee and pick up my dry-cleaning.’

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‘It’s all gone horribly wrong!’

My daughter had a playdate after school yesterday with her best friend; I got a call at 4.45pm from the mum, who yelled, ‘It’s all gone horribly wrong. Can you come and get her?’, while my daughter wailed in the background. I ran up the road in my wellies. Turns out the girls had had their first major bust-up over [timpani roll…] the correct title of ‘Monsters vs Aliens’. Best Friend thought it was ‘Monsters and Aliens’, while my daughter, ever the pedant (she is the child of two former sub-editors, after all), insisted it wasn’t. ‘It’s versus! VERSUS!!!!’ At which point, Best Friend had a flash-forward to secondary school in 10 years’ time and my daughter yelling in her ear, ‘You should have used a semi-colon, do you hear me? A SEMI-COLON!!’, and decided, quite understandably, that she didn’t want to be best friends any more.
In a very tenuous way, this leads me onto my ‘Unattractive Moan of the Day’. Which is my, and my husband’s, current state of unemployment*. We had a good whinge today about the decline of print journalism (yes, we know how to keep the magic in our marriage alive!) and how my ‘key skill’ – checking the spelling on books and magazines – isn’t exactly in demand. On days like these I actually believe I might never work again. Weirdly, I even found myself in tears about it today (for about 45 seconds, until I remembered the awful earthquake in Haiti. And trafficked teenage girls. And my good friend whose child has multiple health issues). I think I must have PMT, or SAD. Please send me some verbal slaps! Not too hard, though…

* Maybe we should re-brand ourselves as ‘job-free’?

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