Back to school: the shrivel-breasted hag speaks

Momm-i, the Shrivel-Breasted Hag, is addressing her seven-year-old son on the eve of his return to school.

Momm-i: ‘So, you are in Juniors now. This is a very important year for you, my son. You’ll have to work harder, and there’s less chance to play. It’s vital that you sort out your attitude.

Momm-i: ‘I’ve prepared a Powerpoint presentation, and I’d like you to pay attention to this year’s key objectives. Number one: concentrate! Did you hear what I just said?’

Spawn of Momm-i: ‘Huh?’

Momm-i: ‘By Drazon’s bowels, this is exactly what I am talking about! You never listen! That has to change, or you are going to fall further and further behind! And then it will be too late, you hear me?’

Spawn of Momm-i: ‘Too late for what?’

Momm-i: ‘SILENCE! I am speaking! When Momm-i speaks, you listen! You always think you have the answer for everything! Well, let me tell you, you have a lot to learn! If you don’t work hard at school, you will not get a job when you grow up, and you will have to sleep on the streets and look for food in the bins outside Count Zaylion’s Castle of Despair!

Spawn of Momm-i: ‘I’m going to be an inventor.’

Momm-i: ‘Oh, really? Well, inventors need at least 9 good GCSEs, and three or four science A-levels, then you’ll need a degree and possibly a PhD. How are you going to achieve all that if you never listen?

Spawn of Momm-i: ‘Can I go and watch Pokemon now?’

Momm-i: ‘By Lord Wrathgar’s mighty phallus, I despair!



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39 responses to “Back to school: the shrivel-breasted hag speaks

  1. Meanwhile, on the nearby planet of Siliolghit, the venerable grey-haired Fart-ha is stooping to greet daughter-of-Fart-ha as she emerges from school. ‘You may kiss me, child.’ ‘Hold my bags.’ ‘Just one kiss.’ ‘Can I watch TV?’ ‘First answer me this, was your day productive?’ ‘I can’t concentrate if the TV’s not on.’ ‘I banish you to your bedroom!’ ‘Where’re the biscuits?’

    • notwavingbutironing

      I have cast the runes, and foresee the future for both our offspring, Fart-ha: a lifetime in the flaming hell that is the McDonald’s kitchen, shovelling the Fries of Shame.

  2. You’re putting far too much effort into this.

    • notwavingbutironing

      I know – I need to get some paid work or before long I’ll be sticking fake Play Doh breasts on a rag doll to illustrate the effects of gravity (shit! I did that the other week!), and then I’ll know that my teachers were right and I am a deluded loser who will never amount to anything.
      Oh bugger.

  3. I love it! Please show the teaching staff! They would be SO impressed!!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thanks, Julia, but then they’d also know that I’m talking bullshit when I say I’m far too busy to help out on the school trip to the Wildlife and Wetlands Centre. (Let me tell you, it’s wet, but it ain’t wild.)

  4. myf

    how did you do that after entertaining and feeding 7 screaming children for tea (thank you). your playmobile spawn is so cute please don’t bore him with powerpoint. x

  5. Junior school? My son’s going into high school and seems not to give a $#&t. What on earth am I supposed to do? A full-on You Tube message?

    • notwavingbutironing

      You mean it doesn’t get any better? I suspected as much. Am torn between the fact that not giving a shit is a sign on a non-neurotic personality and therefore a recipe for good mental health, and not giving a shit being a recipe for not getting a job, leading to living on the streets, leading to poor mental health. Am I otherthinking this?

  6. Ow, look Spawn of Momm-i’s face. He won’t need an education. He’ll charm them sweetness alone.

  7. Gosh! What has the summer done to Barbie’s skin? Will you return to normal over time or is this the result of ongoing parental stress and thus permanent?

  8. Good god! Your breasts really are shrivelled! (I mean Momm-i’s, not yours). Thanks for a lovely Tuesday morning laugh. My son used to kick a kid called Toby too, must be the name – mind you, he deserved it!

  9. Yup, my heart went out to poor Toby too.
    Love the nasty monster’s hair-do – does it get it done by the same mermaid as the Knickerless One?

  10. Huh?





    Did you buy crisps?

    Excerpt from conversation with 46 year old playmobile male.

    Conclusion: Don’t waste your breath. Smoky bacon is preferable.

    Oh and Toby should stop being such a milksop.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Damn them all to the Slough of Despond! I am done with words. You are right, Madame. Leave me here in my cave, with my potato snacks. I shall awaken in 10 years when the Horrors of Unemployment rain down upon my son, and then I shall say, ‘I told you so.’

  11. I’m thinking your lady garden needs pruning again.

  12. Hilarious! My six year old wants to make a movie. I suspect it will look something like this. Only the words will be different.

  13. I wish you’d make this into a picture book. It would be a best seller.

    My son is quite interested in becoming a hobo, as he calls them. He made a sock puppet of one called Harry the hobo. He is so un PC.

    You know you said on my Diana post your boyfriend was working on a lads mag and posing potatoes to look like D&D doing it, are you sure it wasn’t you? Did you get together based on your love of strange fruit?

    • notwavingbutironing

      Sadly, he doesn’t find vomiting pumpkins and surprised-looking spring onions as funny as I do any more. But my son appreciates them greatly, so that’s ok.

  14. I’m afraid I didn’t read a word of your post, I was too entranced by Momm-i’s ‘do’. Gosh, like she just stepped out of the salon….I dream of such perfection.


  15. Cripes that sounds just like me this morning – you weren’t eavesdropping by any chance????

  16. Now look here… stop complaining about them taking no notice of your wise words and gorgeous hair do. Just be bloody grateful that the boy speaks. Mine just stares at telly with vacant expression and I have to SHOUT VERY LOUD to get any response at all. Mind you, could doll myself up like you and all of them would be so scared witless that they would listen up immediately. Even Husband.
    Not that you don’t look simply Divine. Of course. xxx

  17. La Jongleuse

    Absolutely bloody brilliant.

  18. It’s such good blog therapy coming over here. There I am stressing that I spend too much time cooking and experimenting when I should be out earning, and then I see your latest offering. Brilliant! Will forward to husband at once and he will forgive me my loafing ways…
    Pig x

  19. This is just fab, laughing myself silly at post and comments, I also have son that Does Not Pay Attention or in fact show any signs of responding to me, unless I mention crisps or chocolate

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