‘Dear Blah, I would like to apply for the job of library assistant/customer service adviser/anything at all really, whatever you’ve got. I haven’t worked on a full-time basis for seven years, but as CEO of My Own House I have picked up vital life skills that I am sure will prove invaluable to your organisation.
My day-to-day responsibilities include:
WHAT IS FOR TEA?
Daily nutritional decision making, based on an analysis of the contents of my fridge/freezer (‘Sausages again?’) and the number of mouth ulcers my children currently have (‘Maybe I should do some broccoli too?’). In addition, I have produced a 400-page report, inside my own head, on ‘What the collapsing financial markets mean for the teatimes of today’, and introduced a successful cost-saving strategy by purchasing more foods that list ‘cheese-flavoured topping’ in the ingredients, and stopping buying that nice chocolate with the ginger bits in.
IS THERE TOO MUCH CRAP ON THE FLOOR?
Hourly monitoring of the crap situation. Actioning ‘Hoovering’ and ‘picking shit up’ when the crap:visible carpet ratio becomes unbalanced.
ARE THE CHILDREN FUCKED-UP ENOUGH?
Inspired by the latest US research, I have split my personality into ’95 Per Cent Fun, Patient, Loving Mother’ and ‘Five Per Cent Psychopathic Gorgon’, and vacillate unexpectedly between the two. The effects of this policy on the next generation should be visible in 10 years or so.
MAINTAINING STAFF MORALE
I have adopted a clear ‘top down’ staff hierarchy, and implement it by undermining my own confidence, belittling my own creative ideas, and ordering myself to make me a cup of coffee and pick up my dry-cleaning.’
Not waving but ironing 
You could possibly add (if your day job is anything like mine:)
Is there enough clean laundry residing in the childrens clothes drawers to ensure that they don’t have to wear yesterdays pants and socks to school tomorrow?
Are you talking about the ‘scrape off the toothpaste with your fingernails, no one will ever know’ laundry turnover technique? I still have much to learn.
You must wear very smart clothes when you’re actioning “hoovering” if your CEO position requires you to wear items needing to be dry-cleaned.
The shareholders in your company should demand you wear stretchy cotton trousers and wipe-clean tops to save money at this difficult time. This cost-cutting exercise will impress prospective employers and you will look a real babe at the interview.
Dammit, you’re right, Trish! This is where I’ve been going wrong. Will turn up for my next interview in pyjama bottoms, my Poundland fleece and husband’s slippers that I am wont to trog around in when I can’t find my own. The job’s as good as in the bag!
I did actually say in the interview for my current job, “Can I handle stress? I’ve got children.”
Did you then laugh maniacally, until you fell off your chair?
There is nothing here about cleaning lavatories. I just KNOW that you are an expert. Stop putting yourself DOWN, girl. x
Oh shucks, I was trying to hide my light under a bushel there, Ladybird. You know, I AM a dab hand with the toilet duck (blushes).
wow! A whole 95% fun, patient, loving mother…I’d rate myself closer to 50:50 patient: psychopathic gorgon on a good day and, well, let’s not even think about the bad days.
Dry cleaning? You have clothes that need dry cleaning? I did once possess an item of clothing that had ‘dry clean only’ on the label. Then I stuck it in the washing machine.
I don’t think it’s too bad being a psychopathic gorgon, if you are CONSISTENT about it. What freaks my kids is that one minute we’re playing Snakes & Ladders, tra-la-la, lovely, lovely, and the next my head is spinning around like a top, and fire is darting from my eyes. It’s the unexpected nature of it that really gets ’em.
God, I’m horrible.
Ah, but personally I think it’s the tra-la-la warning signs you have to watch out for. It’s like, when you see mothers on buses with small children and they all have this ‘la-la-la’ sing-song voice ‘oh look at the lovely car darling’ ‘no if you push the bell another 20 times the nice bus driver will get cross’…etc etc. When you hear that la-la voice, you know perfectly well that as soon as that mother gets that child off the bus and out of public view they are going to pin it against the wall in its romper suit and give it the bollocking of its life.
Or is that just me?
Consistent parenting? Hey, who needs that?Life would be so dull for children without nice mummy turning into hell-creature from the deep every few hours? I’m just preparing my children for the inconsistencies of the real world.
Don’t fret, inconsistency is your key secret weapon. Keep ’em guessing, I say!
The official job description of …’too much crap on the floor’ is Head of Relocations, on account of having to return the sh*t to it’s rightful place.
Also have you any experience in Logistics or Health and Safety?
Yes, thanks, I forgot to play up my Health & Safety record. Which consists of saying, absent-mindedly, ‘We really must get that window replaced’ as my daughter stands on the windowsill of her third-floor bedroom and presses against the single-glazed pane.
I’d give you the job !!! ( my qualification: Quote fourteen year old son, ” You’re not like other mums ” )
Loved your post!
Having now been out of work longer than I was ever in it I’m afraid I’m going to stick to my not working for money position. CEO in my own home as you so rightly state. Other important qualifications I’m sure you could add to your CV too would be excellent driver (taxi service being a given) and finder of all things missing.
Youngest is always amazed when I mention that I had paid managerial employment in a former life…
I’ve just gone back to work after a 300 year gap – or that’s what it seems like to me such was my joy at being at home raising my dear, sweet children. It’s hugely over-rated you know!
My 10 year old said to me ‘what sort of Mum are you if you can’t help me with these fractions?’…. a failure at motherhood so better go back to work! (I actually did find her fractions very difficult!)
I’m kinda impressed (and wondering if you are lying) over those ratios. Just 5% vile monster?? Honey, you’re doing really rather well.
I’d employ you just on the basis you are 95% good mother and only 5% raving psychopath…
Classic!
Ok, you got me for good now, I’ve just subscribed.