Enter my world of dreams! But bring a sick bucket

“Ian McShane off TV’s ‘Lovejoy’? By the great sky god Manitou, this woman is sick!”

I don’t know whether it’s the weather or the perimenopause, but lately I have been having really vivid dreams and waking up bathed in sweat.

Hey, where are you going? Don’t you want to hear more about my sweat? I haven’t detailed the amount released, or the crevices of my body that are affected yet!

Well, if you’re still here, in last night’s dream I was sharing a crappy B&B room with a bunch of bitchy wags, owing to a double-booking error. The dream culminated in me, for some unfathomable reason, putting hair conditioner on my pubes, trying to wash it off over a wastepaper bin using a garden hose, and then storming down to the hotel reception to complain about the below-par facilities.

That proves what a boring cow I am; I’m even boring in my dreams. There’s always a prosaic element to them. Two nights ago, I dreamt I’d landed a copywriting job for an ad agency owned by 70s chat-show host Michael Parkinson. A client wanted to me to write some straightforward yet snappy copy about a hair-thickening product, but whenever I showed it to Parky, he was never happy. ‘I think we need to work in a Medieval theme,’ he’d say. ‘Maybe we could have a cartoon of a knight on horseback?’ and I’d have to go back to my desk trying to balance the requirements of the cosmetics company and my clearly deranged boss. Which I guess is not a million miles away from your average working day.

Anyway, let’s have a list. Here, in reverse order, are my top three disturbing dreams of all time.

3. I’d just died but was still able to walk and talk, and I was desperately trying to find all my friends and family to say goodbye before rigor mortis set in.

2. I was in bed, trying to read a book, while my husband and what I took to be his 20-year-old blonde mistress rolled around next to me. Occasionally he’d break off to sneer, ‘She’s so much better than you.’

1. I was shagging barrel-chested, bow-legged 80s icon Ian McShane off TV’s ‘Lovejoy’, who was dressed in a monk’s habit. And I was really enjoying it.

I tried to ‘interpret’ that last one using www.dreamforth.com, but sadly, there was no category for ‘shagging Ian McShane’. Although there were categories for ‘sandals’, ‘elderberries’, ‘obelisks’ and ‘walruses’. I’d welcome your explanations. Does it mean I have a fear of commitment? Do I need to embrace new work opportunities? Or does my medication need adjusting?

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36 Comments

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36 responses to “Enter my world of dreams! But bring a sick bucket

  1. Look, the other night my late stepfather came in his Scottish country dancing outfit to take me to the afterlife, which seemed to be a large room full of old men in kilts. I woke up convinced I was dying. You have nothing at all to worry about.

  2. Lou

    Concerning. I think you’d best nip to the library and read a bit of S. Freud. Also, no cheese at tea time young lady!

    Worrying amount of hair references… maybe your body’s telling you you’ve got a hair ball… I’m sure I saw an episode of Doc Martin about a man with a hair ball……. revolting it was too. Now see what you’ve done! I’ve had to confess to watching Doc Martin…arghhhh.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Doc Martin, eh? I’ll have to include you in my Big Book of Blogging Losers, alongside myself for watching The Bill.
      You’re right, I hadn’t noticed the hair references. I will go and look up ‘hair’ on dreamforth.com and see what it means….
      Back now – apparently, it means I’m vain.

  3. Oh god how funny! Ian McShane! There’s worse things to shag, though, I’d say. At least it wasn’t Hitler or Dennis Waterman.
    My most vivid dreams always concern a desperate need to pee followed by finding a loo (sometimes via a lift which shoots off diagonally through glass windows) but there’re no walls or doors. Just pans. And nobody else thinks it’s weird that I’m standing there busting to go and just ‘can’t/’won’t’. Think we both might need our medications reviewed!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ah, the toilet-facilities anxiety! I share your fears, Debs, along with ‘Will there be anywhere I can have a nice sit down/get a cup of tea?’, which prevents me from travelling outside Tunbridge Wells.
      I wish you hadn’t mentioned Dennis Waterman. Can’t get him out of my head now (no monk’s habit for him; I think he’d keep his blouson jacket on, don’t you?)

  4. Gawd – I thought I had vivid dreams but hey – take the prize. My husband cannot believe the detail in which I can recount them but I might send him your link to show I’m not the only crazy one!

    • notwavingbutironing

      I think we can recollect the detail because we must be sleeping very lightly, Expat. Does your other half snore, by any chance?

  5. I’d rather talk about sweat than other people’s dreams… dreams, especially my own, just put me to sleep. You lost me at bitchy WAGS, roused me momentarily with the saucy mistress and sent me straight into a coma during your unfortunate shag with Ian McShane. It’s not you, it’s this whole sharing dreams business. Now, about that sweating… x

    • notwavingbutironing

      Well, Maxabella, just for you, seeing as you asked… the sweat was actually ALL OVER my body, but especially my chest and belly area. I woke up very clammy and cold. If you’d like to know more, just email me.

  6. Sweats: tick. Dreams: tick. TMI: tick. Clearly you have reached ‘a certain age’!

  7. Shagging Ian McShane: hmm, amateur psychology hat on here, maybe you’re nostalgic for the 80s and the monk’s habit represents a more innocent time?

    Mind you, I’ve shagged all kinds of weird people in my dreams, including Tony Blair and a couple of former bosses I didn’t fancy at all…….

    • notwavingbutironing

      Tony Blair? How was he? I have to say, McShane was pretty good, although a little unimaginative (missionary position only).

  8. Awww you have such funky dreams. I’m not confessing ANY of mine, they are way too mediocre.

  9. Oh, pooh, thats nothing. Pubes and conditioner? Ian Macshane? Shagging mistresses in bed? Pah!
    I regularly am shagging the most ghastly specimans in my dreams. And on one odd occasion a weatherforecast man.
    I have another delightful dream when I am pulling hair out of my mouth… great big bits of it, more and more. Yeerrcchh.
    Less cheese. More spiritual reading, my girl.
    xxxx

    • notwavingbutironing

      I might have known you’d top-trump me, Ladybird. Hair being pulled out of your mouth, string out of your son’s bottom… Mystic Meg would have a field day.

  10. myf

    that’s weird my son has woken up for the last 2 nights screaming and crying, first night seemed to be about playing football and who scored a goal. last night just lots of crying and a bit of sweating. wonder if it has anything to do with the full moon (just checked it’s today!) so watch out your dreams may peak tonight. i can’t imagine…

  11. I really don’t see the point in dreams at all. I mean you go through hell – they’re exhausting. And the worry…. And then you wake up and forget it. But then you have to then ‘do’ real life. Which is exhausting…..then sleep…..then dream……wake up….. Bloody hell. And I only remember 1 in 100. Dream translation books are so illuminating tho’ aren’t they? Look up weeing and it will say ‘the elimination of unwanted burden’ or some such crap. Then look up pig and it will say ‘pig’.

    Funny that I do remember the traumatic weeing ones and the unlikely shagging ones. (Gary Moore – I’ll leave it there.)

    Oh god – I can’t bear the thought of going to bed now……….

    • notwavingbutironing

      Northern Irish musician Gary Moore, erstwhile guitarist with Thin Lizzy? Who released the seminal single ‘Parisienne Walkways’ in 1979? You’ll be telling me you’ve shagged B.A.Robertson next!

      • Stop! Actually I don’t remember any hot shagging as such – that could be selective memory though. It was more that we were an ‘item’ and would hang around chatting to Phil Lynott and Scott Gorham (who I did used to fancy – oh god – I’m on the couch again…) and then swan off and be this normal ‘couple’. Tedious really. Like most things that emanate from my head.

        I’ve also just realised that this must have been about 30 years ago – seriously sad that I even remember it. Critically sad. Hanging offence sad.

  12. Ooh, my comment came up as a reply to someone else’s. Clearly my technological abilities are failing me.

    • notwavingbutironing

      This new-fangled technology is beyond me, too, Previously. I have to dictate my comments to my pet chimp, who types them in for me.

  13. I love the rigor mortis dream. I regularly dream I am cheating on my husband and wake up in agonies of guilt which last for days. Then there was the one where he fell through a cloud and died. It’s not looking good for my husband is it?!
    🙂

    Pig x

  14. Funny, I started having disturbing vivid dreams when I hit 40 too. One involved Brad Pitt and there was this thing where we’d known each other in previous lives but had never shagged, and when we caught the other’s eye, the other times flashed up.

    Weird. It only stopped when we had a shag, and I had to explain that to my husband (now ex… well, what you do expect?!).

    • notwavingbutironing

      Brad is such a slapper! He’s been in everyone’s dreams but mine! Why do I get McShane when you get the Hollywood idol?

  15. Have linked to you from mine, in honour of your splendid suggestion, Mrs Ruffins and her wholemeal muffins.

    • notwavingbutironing

      V kind of you, Iota. Thank you. And thank you for opening my eyes to the wonderful world of Mr Saguette and his baguette. x

  16. I’m (unfortunately) with you on the sweaty nights, but never remember the dreams. Woke my husband pissing myself (LAUGHING, thank you) in my sleep the other night but could I recall what caused this rare moment of hilarity? Could I buggery. Typical; best laugh I’ve had in ages and slept through the entire thing…
    Oh, and the Ian McShane shag – surely it means you really, REALLY need to get some. Quickly.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Watched the McShane in new channel 4 hokum, ‘The Pillars of the Earth’ on Saturday, and i have to say, time has not been kind. The black bob doesn’t help. Rufus Sewell, on the other hand, look delicious.

  17. the dotterel

    And did you say your dreams were boring…?

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