I pity the fool who doesn’t own a Teasmade

This week, to celebrate Mr Not Waving landing a job, I had my carpets steam-cleaned. Which caused Oliv er Reed to start spinning in his grave. I then flicked through some back issues of Livingetc to pick out some tiles for a new kitchen splashback, while Mr Not Waving popped out to Argos and bought me a Teasmade. At which point Sid Vicious did a backflip and what’s left of Keith Moon exploded into flames.

I think Mr Not Waving was worried that as he’ll now be getting up at ‘fuck o’clock’ in the morning, I might not actually bother getting out of bed at all without the cuppa he  normally brings me. And with good reason. But now I have the Teasmade! I love you, Teasmade! Or can I call you Teasy? Your only, minor fault is that even with the Dimmer Facility switched on, you emit more light than a UFO. At 3am the whole bedroom is eerily blue. ‘We can make love by the glow of the Teasmade,’ my husband joked. Make love? Why would I do that, now I have an automatic hot beverage maker?

Unfortunately, my husband is becoming suspicious that my relationship with Teasy is more intimate than it should be – I think it was the tell-tale third-degree burns around my inner thighs that did it. I have a feeling Teasy might be sent into exile in the garage. Never mind, I have the Argos catalogue in front of me, and am already drooling over the De’Longhi Pump Coffee Machine with integral frothing action. And what about the Tefal Toast ‘n’ Egg with meat-warming tray and extra wide slot? How hot does that look? (Pretty hot. You’d definitely need oven gloves.) Or the Gordon Ramsay searing griddle with removable drip tray?

My God, I am  one sad bastard.



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31 responses to “I pity the fool who doesn’t own a Teasmade

  1. You do so make me laugh! I had a Teasy when I was first married but that was 2 husbands ago. I’ve now got husdband 3 who is an excellent Teasy!

    • notwavingbutironing

      I remember sitting on a friend’s balcony, and watching her (male) next door neighbour building a shed, then hanging out the washing, then calling to his wife, ‘Julie, do you fancy a cuppa?’. What more could a woman want?
      (Possibly he had a penis like an acorn, but we’ll gloss over that.)

  2. Mmm…kitchen appliance infused bedroom chic? I think Living etc would jump at doing a piece on this. Especially if you can find a bedside ‘meat-warming tray’ in this season’s colours.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Strangers things have happened – the Soda Stream is back, and Lakeland are selling out of burger presses. It’s 1977 all over again! Great, that makes me 8 years old!

  3. libby

    Oooooohhhhhh….not sure about a teasmade (or is it teasmaid?) …. I will be interested to see how you fare with it over the next few weeks…..pause……have just re-read what I have just typed and have to admit I am another sad bastard……where did the young libby go? why did’nt someone warn her when she was young that one day she would consider sensible shoes and possibly possibly an elasticated waistband? someone should have shouted ‘run..run now and don’t look back!’

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh I know, Libby – the golden, carefree years are no more. But we have plenty of beige years to look forward to. Must make room on my bedside table for the Toast ‘N’ Egg…

  4. Lou

    Argos porn that’s what it is…. repent, repent!!!!

    Sorry, just jealous.

  5. Take note of Jfb57’s experience with the Teasy, dear Not Waving. It took her 2 husbands to realise that without with the Teasy, there is no Teasey. She was quick to ditch the Teasmade with hubby number 3 and I suspect he’ll be her 3rd time lucky man. Don’t make this mistake, NWBI. My advice: make sure fuck o’clock is just that.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Good advice, Maxabella, but it’s gone too far for that. Teasy and I are going to run away together. If I can fit him on the bus. (Did I mention he was MASSIVE?)

  6. You realise next thing it’ll be an adjustable shoe rack. It’s a slippery slope down to senility from now on.

    By the way, am I the only English person who doesn’t like tea…(or coffee?) . Am I a social leper? ‘Tap water? Tap water!!!! We can’t possibly give you tap water to drink! Are you sure you wouldn’t like a nice cup of tea?’ Er. No thank you.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Aha, but I already have an adjustable shoe rack! One which to put my 37 pairs of slippers and one pair of leatherette driving shoes.
      Btw, tap water??? You’ll be telling me you don’t like toast or eggs next! How are Tefal going to make money from the Toast ‘n’ Egg with people like you around?

    • Mr Teasy-Weasy

      Try adding teetotal to that and you can be certain of a very frosty reception. Spent many an afternoon as a sport-loving teenager fending off urgent attempts by incredulous team-mates to force feed me a pint of lager or inject a shooter intravenously into the nearest exposed vein.

      Now that water in bottles has been popularised by wafer-thin super-models, tap water has been pushed even further beyond the pale. Waiters stiffen visibly when the solicitous “still or sparkling” is spurned. Subseuquent service levels plumb depths usually associated with bank call-centres.

  7. I think you’ll find they’re called Goblin Teasmades. Or should that be Gobbling Teasmade. At least they were on The Generation Game.

    My husband cannot have any lights on at all in the bedroom – by that I mean when we sleep. No wristwatch, no light from a mobile or alarm or the baby monitor. The baby monitor had to be wrapped in three layers of pyjamas and hidden under the bed in case the lights woke him up. Never mind the baby.

    I hate tea. How can you drink that stuff??

    I got my Lakeland catalogue through the post this morning. Very pleased I was too.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh, I LOVE the Lakeland catalogue! Hardly ever buy anything, mind. But I get v excited by weird cleaning implements custom-designed to dust the crevice between your Sky Box and DVD player. Essential, no?

  8. annablagona

    My husband is a spanner about lights at night. He recently described sleeping with the night light on as ‘Trying to rest under the Eye of Sauron.’ It’s a night light. In the shape of a star. With a 5 watt bulb and a cover. Tool.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Your husband may be a spanner, but that ‘Eye of Sauron’ quote is a genius line. I sort of barked, like a seal, when I read it.

  9. social_butterfly

    I’ve recently moved into an old Victorian style house from an apartment… Now, it’s not to say that my apartment was by any means small, but this house… Jesus, all I have is space and empty walls and fuck loads of windows to cover… in saying that, I have been tempted to leave them uncovered and earn a little extra do-rae-me by becoming a voyeur, then I looked in the mirror and reaslised that would be an epic fail… so I know what you mean when you say you’re drooling over an Argos magazine, I’ve developed a sick obssession with applicances, curtains, wall hangings…. my house is coming down with House magazines and random little paint pots and bits of wall paper tacked to walls… My mum is DELIGHTED at the idea, my friends are worried that I now have more Ikea, Argos, B&Q magazines that I do Heat, Closer, Love It… What happens if my problem extends so far as thr gardens? I’ve never lifted a trowel in my life, but I feel that my house may not be complete unless I have one!!


    Hilar As Always Not Waving…

    SB xx

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oooh, am excited for you, SB! Where did you buy? (Just got back from Belfast, and as ever, bought a shedload of local property papers back with me. Why didn’t I buy a house in Stranmillis back in 2000 when they were cheap as chips? Why??). Am happy to discuss paint colours and the uplight/downlight conundrum any time… x

      • Social_Butterfly

        *gasp* You were in Belfast and I didn’t have the red carpet out? I am shamed… Oh where did you stay? *double gasp* you might have been in my hotel!! Oh, I dream of Stranmillis… I bought at the top of Ormeau Road… 🙂 Oh, I haven’t even started thinking about lighting scenes yet… I’m getting a tingle in my mingle at the prospect! 😀

        Always, SB x

  10. skippedydoodah

    If the argos catalogue is porn, does that make the ikea catalogue a french art film?

    Dunno if you’re that kind of girl but I tagged you at my blog http://skippedydoodah.wordpress.com/2010/08/06/8-more-things/ to answer some important, life-affirming questions, kay?

    • notwavingbutironing

      I am just that type of girl, Skippedy! Thanks for tagging me. I will get down to it. And yes, the Ikea catalogue is definitely a bit more classy. But I have still been known to lick the pages.

  11. Power tools.

    Things that throb and leap out of your sweaty paws dangerously.

    THAT’s proper appliance porn.

    Used to use power tools at work that were attached to serious throb-making air compression unit.

    Ohhhhhh yes……

    Have to make do with children’s buzzy toothbrushes now. Just not the same. I need my thrills…….

    • notwavingbutironing

      Now you’re talking, Madame. I might get the hedge strimmer out tomorrow. Let’s see what that bad boy can do…

  12. Your post is spooky. I found myself indulging in a little secret online Lakeland catalogue shopping last night getting quite excited over the yoghurt and ice cream makers as well as the ingenuity of re-usable cake tin liners. I had myself a little fantasy shop, popping such items of desire into my basket whilst watching that programme about the WI on BBC4. Harmless fun, I told myself. Now I’m not so sure.

  13. What is a Teasmade (I have a feeling, given the name, that is a stupid question) and why don’t I have one? Sounds very English and I live in very Canadian. We drink tea. I bring back loads of it from England but I will be bringing back an automatic tea-making alarm clock next time (please tell me that’s what a Teasmade is; if it isn’t, I know what I am inventing).

    • notwavingbutironing

      Yes! It is an automatic tea-making alarm clock! You can see the genius of it, can’t you, Dorky? (I do love your name, by the way.) Only hassle is, I have had to turn the Teasmade to face the wall (glowing blue light problem) and so have to actually get out of the goddamn bed to press the annoying beeping alarm off every morning. Can’t work out how to get the tea without the beeping. There’s a gap in the market there.

  14. My dad used to have a Teasmade and used to steal little long-life pockets of milk from every cafe or office kitchenette to which he could gain entry. Saved the problem of tea-in-bed-but-milk-in-fridge-downstairs problem.

    As for beeping and getting out of bed – isn’t it supposed to be next to the bed so that one doesn’t have to shift one’s arse in the morning until the caffeine reaches such parts?

    Someone should invent a Bed Bib too – with equilibriumy holding hands for clasping hot cups of things for when you contentedly fall back asleep in the warming vapours – and have a gentle nudger thingy for when it’s just the right temperature. Or am I going too far?

  15. Oh my God you are so bloody funny! Can’t stop and chat…I’m off to Argos to get myself a pet Teasy..they sound a lot of fun…

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