What NOT to tell your daughter: a photo-story

Not Waving But Ironing and her daughter Mae are getting changed after swimming.

Mae Not Waving: ‘I’m dressed now, Mummy. Can we go and get some hot chocolate?’

Not Waving But Ironing: ‘Just a minute, I’m looking for my breasts. I saw them down here somewhere.’

NWBI: ‘Ah, here they are. They were on the floor.’

Mae: ‘Mummy, why are your boobies all droopy?’

NWBI [patiently]: ‘Well, Mae, boobies come in all different shapes and sizes. But it doesn’t matter what they look like, they’re for feeding babies.’

Mae: ‘Even droopy ones.’

NWBI: ‘Yes, even those. And do you have to say “droopy” quite so loudly?’

Enter Perky Pertpants, the neighbour’s Australian au pair.

Perky: ‘Oh, g’day Mrs Not Waving, g’day Mae.’

Mae: ‘Hello Perky. You are beautiful.’

Perky: ‘Hey, Mrs NW, d’you happen to have any body lotion that I can rub languorously over my silken, toned limbs? Ideally while standing right next to you, so that juxtaposed with my 21-year-old body, yours looks like it belongs to a mountain troll?’

NWBI: ‘Body lotion?’ [Laughs like a maniac.] ‘I haven’t used that since 1998!’

Mae: ‘Perky’s boobies are like circles, aren’t they Mummy.’

NWBI: ‘Yes, they are.’

Mae [sings]: ‘Droopy boobies, droopy boobies…’

NWBI [hisses]: ‘Listen up, Perky’s boobies are like that because she’s never had a baby. You hear me? Having a baby stretches your boobies, and then they pop like balloons until there’s only shrivelled skin left.’

Mae [whimpering]: ‘You’re scaring me, Mummy!’

NWBI: ‘And I’ll tell you something else for nothing. Having a baby really hurts!’

Mae: ‘Boo, hoo! I’m never having children!’

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36 Comments

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36 responses to “What NOT to tell your daughter: a photo-story

  1. ooh has Perky Pertpants got a merkin?

    • notwavingbutironing

      Yes, I was VERY bored this morning. Found some sticky-back black furry stuff in the kids’ craft cupboard, and what else was I supposed to do with it? But you’ll have noticed that Perky is not a natural blonde.

      • I have pimped your blog post on Twitter today so you should have a couple of lovely new followers now. I do this from time to time to tell the world how funny you are. When you’re famous I shall come knocking for my agent’s fee, thank you.

        You ought to give Twitter a go. As Deer Baby said to me once, “Just think how funny NWBI could be in 140 characters”.

      • notwavingbutironing

        Oh, you’re too kind, Trish. Am blushing so hard you can see me from space. x

  2. Lou

    I am booking my operation forthwith, care to be in the next bed?…. BUPA of course!!

    • notwavingbutironing

      If only, Lou – I would love an op or two, but seeing as my C-section scar went keloid, I know I would end up with breasts like hot cross buns.
      Are you managing to keep your breakfast down?

      • Lou

        Whoaaa! Really wish I hadn’t done THAT ….. having birthed through my tiny-weeny lower end, which may now be stretched out of all huma…….. (I digress) I had to look up ‘keloid’ …. arghhhh!
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keloid

        Anyone got any smelling salts????

        I’d rather like breasts like hot cross buns…. currently they are more Lardy Cake…

      • notwavingbutironing

        Sorry to bring that breakfast back up, Lou. Suffice to say, our glamour modelling days are probably over.

  3. Oh dear! …& it started SO well! 😉
    My boobs were never circles! I remember asking God to give me breasts when I was about 10 & boy did he answer that prayer!

  4. Clearly Perky is not a natural blonde… and I’m not even going to ask you what substance you made those boobs from. No, not going to ask.

    • notwavingbutironing

      It’s playdough. But it does resemble my breast tissue. Although am starting to think I have Gone Too Far. This page looks like a weird Japanese porn site.

  5. Oh the joy of finding a blog that makes me laugh out loud. Thank you.

    http://marketingtomilk.wordpress.com

  6. My boobs were never circles either. I keep thinking of your children walking into the room whilst you’re creating all these scenarios with their toys and asking ‘Mummy -why have you put fur on Barbie? and I don’t even like to guess what that is on the eyebrow doll!

    Oh you’re funny…

    • notwavingbutironing

      I have been very careful to return their toys and delete all the offending photos as soon as I’ve finished. Don’t want them thinking I’m mentally unstable as well as a saggy-breasted old trout.

  7. libby

    What in the name of goodness are those tits made from? not on perky..the other one. Don’t envy perky though….at least there isnt just tumbleweed between my ears……….wait….. she’s tall, tanned, busty, smooth, toned, sleek and happy…I’m the idiot….oh no…gravity will get her in the end..there is a god……pphewww. NWBI you are truly funny.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Sadly, I never looked like Perky even at 21. What are they making young girls out of these days? Certainly not playdough like in our day. All the schoolgirls here in Tunbridge Wells seem to have coltish legs, and no one has spots any more. There’s something in the water…

  8. Giggling silly here and having to cover the screen, the boys want to know what’s so funny! Now what an earth dop I tell them!!!!??? Brilliant as ever.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thank you, Tattie. I think my husband thinks I have finally gone mad. Why doesn’t he appreciate my art?!

  9. Sniffles and snorts…loving those drippy boobs….so very familiar. Although my 3 year old looked at mine, puzzled, and asked what ‘those two lumps’ where with ‘insect bites’ on them. Harumph. Damn that child…

    Loved this, inspired!

    • notwavingbutironing

      ‘Lumps’?! I hope you told him they are your goddess globes, filled with the sacred nurturing milk of Isis, and he should worship at your shrine. That should mess with his head nicely.

  10. Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.

    Love you and your yellow boobies. Now go and get a bloody job for Christ’s sake. I’m sure the nice big new Hobbycraft in the industrial park will appreciate a Creative Modelling Display Executive. You could do demonstrations. Hold workshops.

    Hey! – If we hadn’t been thrown out of our hall by the outraged powers that be, you could’ve come and done an educational biology-based play dough workshop for our Home Ed group. We are just found loitering in parks now. Check us out under a tree near you. Come along and bring your yellow boobies with you. All welcome.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Loitering in parks? That sounds like the perfect education for disaffected tweens. I suppose you’ll introduce the cider and fags at a later date?

  11. annablagona

    My daughter, aged 20 months, who is Still-Being-Breastfed-Cos-I-Appear-To-Be-Breastfeeding-FOR-EVER (TM), referred to one of my breasts as ‘perfect boobie’ the other day. I had to stop myself saying in reply, ‘Should have seen ’em when I was 19′, as that would have been inappropriate.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Not only am I reeling from the fact that your breasts must still look good despite breastfeeding, I am amazed your daughter can say the word ‘perfect’ at 20 months. At that age, my kids could only say ‘blllu’ and ‘na’. But then they are thick as bricks.

      • annablagona

        I don’t think she’s big into the aesthetics of boobies, to be fair, otherwise she might have chosen a different adjective. And she spent a very long winter on the Prairies in a basement with me, so she had to learn to speak pretty pronto because there was NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
        ‘Want a play date, love? Do you? Can’t. Too cold.’
        ‘Want to go to play group? Do you? Oh. Can’t. Too cold.’
        ‘Want to leave the house at all before May? Really? Can’t. Too cold. Now go get ‘War and Peace’ and start reading, there’s a good girl.’

  12. My sister (who reads your blog too) snorted a very nice glass of wine across the table of a rather smart restaurant not a million miles away from you as she recounted this story to me. Having now read it myself I can understand why. Fabulous! I can still remember a holiday with our 18 year old 6 ft tall aupair. As she lay in the sun, breasts pointed skywards, I lay close by with mine seemingly buried in the sand next to me, for all intents and purposes like the ears of my beloved Cocker spaniel! Pah! Who needs upwardly mobile breasts anyway?

    • notwavingbutironing

      Why on earth did you employ an 18-year-old au pair, Previously?! I remember looking at an au-pair website a few years ago, and some of the wannabe-au pairs had posted pictures of themselves IN BIKINIS! No, girls!!! You are not going to get a job like that! Wear 17 layers and grow a beard, and I’ll consider you.

  13. Park Loitering Class to be student-led. It is the privilege of the unschooled child to be surrounded by other children of all ages – the teenagers often freely helping out with the younger ones. I shall trust them (as all good Autonomous Home Edders do) to discover the cider and fags for themselves at a time and pace which suits their individual needs.

    Although obviously they won’t be able to read the labels.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Can’t think of a witty reply, to your witty reply. It’s too hot. I’m just going to have to say, ‘blbueioutldkjfdlfhdk’sl’. It’s very witty in Hungarian.

  14. Come and do a Hungarian Wit workshop! We’d be right up for that.

    We may seek out a meeting place in Hungary when we’re finally run out of this country. We’ll be needing some wit.

  15. Listen. It’s OBVIOUS. Don’t have a sodding au pair.
    Then all your children will think you have perfect boobies.
    Mine HONESTLY think I am goddess.
    Snigger. xxx

  16. Ah…Creative hands and minds are never idle.
    Great blog!

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