The Not Waving But Ironing Nighttime Worrying Index

At last, the gods have smiled on the Not Waving family – Mr Not Waving has landed a job! A permanent one, where you get to take home actual money every month! Anyway, given this exciting news, I have been able to adjust the Not Waving But Ironing Nighttime Worrying Index. ‘Money’ has been knocked off the top spot that it’s held for the last year and a half, and straight in at number one with a bullet, is… ‘Son’s speech and language impairment leading to educational failure and downward spiral in life’, while holding on to the number two position is golden oldie ‘Does everyone think I’m a twat?’. Here’s the top 10 run-down in full.

1. Son’s speech and language impairment leading to educational failure and downward spiral in life
2. Does everyone think I’m a twat?
3. Cellulite
4. Possibility of death in car crash: husband’s, children’s, mine, extended family’s, friends’, neighbours’, etc
5. Breast droop
6. Developing a horrible illness: husband, children, me, etc (see 4, above, for full listing)
7. Husband leaving me for vivacious younger model with upward-pointy breasts
8. Why are there cruel and evil people in the world? Why?
9. Money
10. Random attack by knife-wielding loon

Now don’t worry, readers – Mr NW may have found work, but I remain staunchly unemployable. A couple of commissioning editors I worked for fairly regularly last year are now not even replying to my emails. And the final blow to my confidence came on Friday, in the form of this note in my son’s book bag:
‘Thank you for volunteering to accompany class 2R on our trip to Leeds Castle on Tuesday. However, we have all the parent-helpers we need for this particular outing, so we will not be taking up your kind offer this time.’

And this morning I found this under my pillow:
‘Dear Not Waving But Ironing
Thank you for your efforts to date, but I have decided to take care of wiping myself from now on. As such, I will no longer be requiring your services.
Yours sincerely
Your Arse’

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35 Comments

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35 responses to “The Not Waving But Ironing Nighttime Worrying Index

  1. Dear Not Waving But Ironing

    Thank you for your post. Unfortunately, I have all the funny mummy blogs I can handle right now, so unless you can reinvent yourself as, say, an earnest political commentator, I will no longer require the services of your blog.

    On the bright side, you can write ‘cellulite’ and ‘breast droop’ off your worry list as I’m certain mine are worse and they do not keep me up at night.

    Best regards
    Maxabella

  2. notwavingbutironing

    Dear Maxabella
    Thank you for your kind rejection. Until now I had considered blogging to be the one positive outlet in my life, but I can see I shall have to add it to my list of nighttime worries. Scratch ‘cellulite’; add ‘Does everyone think my blog is a twat?’

  3. LOVE the post and the blog! and what a great comment! both hilarious! and with a post like that, and the many others, how on earth could you possibly think you are a twat? and since I find you fabulous, thank heaven you are a victim of gravity like the rest of us….merci for the great entertainment.

    • notwavingbutironing

      How kind, Jeanne-Aelia (I hope I pronounced that right). Maybe I’ll take my head out of the oven after all. x

  4. … wish my arse would leave me a note like that!

    • notwavingbutironing

      We’re close, my arse and I. Well, we were until the letter. Think I’ll be cutting my arse out of my life from now on.

  5. myf

    very funny as usual. i couldn’t think who could have written you such a note, thanks for clarifying. I’m waiting for a couple of notes like that from my kids.
    you’re gorgeous and not a twat at all. blog is great! x

  6. notwavingbutironing

    Oh bless you. You know, I was looking forward to a free day at Leeds Castle, even if I was going to have to corral a load of seven-year-olds. I’m sure the school will come crying to me next time, when they’re going to Sheerness Power Station and they’re short of volunteers. But they’re going to have to beg.

    • myf

      i meant the note from your arse! not from the school. I still have two (kiddie size) of them to wipe, not to mention mine, so that’s 3 and i say that’s 3 too many.
      Really they go to Sheerness Power Station, that must be in year 4. x

  7. I was due to accompany the Year 2s to the Science Museum but was side-lined for the Year 3 teacher who was apparently so excited about it, it was easier to dispense with my services.

    Thank you for your comment over at mine. So glad you were able to identify a penis; pity it was such a small one to add to your catalogue of disappointments.

    ps – on a serious note, we had years of worry with Rory who had a bad stammer from the age of about 6 to 11. If you ever want to chat about it you know you can email me. xx

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thanks for that, Trish, it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only reject. And thanks so much for your very kind offer – I may take you up on it, altho’ C’s troubles see more related to comprehension. He’s got a ‘touch’ of autism (which sounds like a really bad perfume). x

  8. THe days I get an email telling me you have posted usually gives me a laugh & this one certainly did! Don’t you worry, school will be back! They have a list of mugs (opps people who they can call on!)

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ooh, now it looks as if my post was simply an attempt to fish for compliments! Honestly wasn’t the intention, but thanks anyway Julia. I am basking, basking I tell you, in the glow of your praise.

  9. I think my breasts are trying to tell me something. Problem is that they are so near the ground that I can’t hear them.
    LOVED this post, as ever. And next time you are worrying about cellulite and breast droop, think of me, worrying about cellulite and breast droop. Oh, and Amazon-like bikini lines. In fact, I make the Amazon look clean and tidy. xxx

    • notwavingbutironing

      Hello Ladybird! Can’t believe bikini fuzz hasn’t made it into my top 10. It’s at number 12, just after, ‘Am I starting to grow a moustache?’

  10. Dear Notwaving,

    You are so far from being a twat that it is hard to imagine anything more untwatlike. Your blog is one of the funniest things to behold in my reader. As for the school trip rejection letter, I would count yourself as having had a lucky escape frankly. xxx

  11. libby

    Well done Mr notwaving…..rejoining the world of work…novelty will soon wear off but good luck all the same….and Mrs notwaving…as my mother used to say ‘worry is like a rocking horse..you can ride it all night and get no sleep and be no further on your journey’ – and of course I know that we all have the nightime worry index….and your top 10 are all worthwhile, but y’know what? forget the arse, the cellulite, the mad knife attackers….turned down by the school?? who on earth did you upset?

    • notwavingbutironing

      Add to worry list: ‘Someone at the school hates me. But who?’ I can chew that one over tonight. BTW, sensible advice from your mother. Did she have anything to say about cellulite? ‘Be thankful your troubles are behind you,’ or something like that? Preferably something that rhymes. I like those.

  12. Lou

    Blimey, small fry worries Mrs! I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned the apocalypse we’ve discussed previously, it’s sure to descend any day now …. I’ve been busy storing nuts and berries and collecting seed for when we all have to ‘start again.’ Although I absolutely refuse to repopulate the world… I’ve earmarked jobs here at Larches; you’re on security, bagsy I’m management!!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thank you, Ms Archer, I’m eternally grateful. Although I fear my family may be a burden on you at the Larches. We are a bunch of girls’ blouses (not so good for security) and we eat A LOT. More berries! More nuts!

  13. You are such a lightweight. That list is pathetic. You want to learn about real worrying, you come to me. But only when you’re ready.

    • notwavingbutironing

      You sound like you know what you’re talking about, Coffee Lady. But am I ready yet to see into the deep, dark heart of your anxieties (fatal coffee scalds, accidentally poking your eyes out with a needle while crafting…)? I don’t know that I’ll be able to take it.

  14. Dear Not Waving But Ironing?

    You think you’ve got worries? I am now worrying I have offended every one of my high school classmates by leaving inappropriate comments about them on blogs and then they google themselves. It was only said in jest, no harm intended!

    Your list could also be my list only money is still at Numero Uno.Glad Mr Waving is gainfully employed once more.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thanks, Deer Baby. And it’s a small world. I left a comment on Mrs W’s site in which I named a school friend who’d drawn an enormous penis on my poetry book, but luckily for me, there are lots of Richard Baylises in the world. Only one Veronica Durose, though, eh Veronica?

  15. annablagona

    It is when you DON’T worry, that things like THIS happen:
    Woman who might be in her thirties is in Canary Wharf, shopping. This woman may have been doing this before she had children and was thus able to shop. She sees herself in shop window. A la di da di da, she sings to herself, you look very nice today, horrah! She goes into Boots, full of the joys of spring, twirling her pretty skirt, and stops to look at the makeup at the Clinique counter. She tries a bit of a foundation sample and puts in on her chin, looking in the mirror of the brightly lit shop and LO! Discovers, then and there, for the first time in her thirty odd years, that she has A FRIGGING BEARD.
    So now, whilst I may worry about the fact that I should be joining a circus, at least the worrying means I remember to pluck the bugger out.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh, this made me laugh! Laughing WITH you, not AT you, you understand. What’s that? You weren’t laughing? Sorry.
      If it’s any consolation, I think I am growing a wattle.

      • annablagona

        That IS a consolation. What isn’t, though, is the fact that my husband, ever since that hirsute epiphany, will still from time to time refer to me as ‘José’. He’s a funny fucker.

      • notwavingbutironing

        Hee, hee, just seen your update. José! What a bastard.

  16. Ruth

    Oooh, my parents live near Leeds Castle (if you buy an Ordance Survey map or look such things up online and find the footpaths you can walk through the grounds for free anytime you like – but you do have to stick to the footpaths as they check up on people that haven’t paid!!). Sorry, that’s not hugely relevant but if you really want a trip to Leeds Castle for free (and possibly without the 7 year olds 😉

    • notwavingbutironing

      Don’t be sorry, that IS hugely relevant. I like nothing better than hopping over fences so I can get a closer look at things, for free! I seem to recall it’s about £1 million to get into Leeds Castle these days, so your tip is very welcome.

  17. Ah well…the husband’s job is splendid news. I think your List is pretty standard though, don’t we all worry about that? [looks around shiftily]

    Perhaps try looking for the silver lining on the polite rejection for school trip helper…more time to lounge around on the sofa smoking fags and drinking wine during daylight hours? Or is that just me….

  18. With a list this long Mrs NW, I should think you should take up some daytime worrying too. In fact, you have enough worrying to do that this could in fact be your full-time job. Fixed! “Staunchly unemployable” no longer.

    I am new to your blog but I have seen no twattiness as yet. Will let you know though 🙂

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