New test reveals when middle age begins. Sort of

Women concerned about whether or not they have officially entered middle age will soon be able to have their minds set to rest. Researchers at the Not Waving But Ironing Institute of Sciencey Stuff in Tunbridge Wells have come up with a simple test that defines the exact moment when youth tips into middle age.

‘Formerly, health experts have had to rely on measuring oestrogen levels to define where “hotness” ends and “hausfrau” begins,’ explains chief medical officer Dr Not Waving. ‘However, we discovered that far more accurate results can be obtained by measuring women’s differing responses to a youtube clip of new MTV presenter Ash Stymest.

‘Those still in the first flush of youth responded, “OMG, he’s so hot! I love him!!!!”,’ reveals Dr Not Waving ‘while those who were approaching the perimenopause commonly reacted with, “OMG, who is this callow, jumped-up, mock-Cockney douchebag?! Christ, if my son ever starts behaving like this dickwad when he grows up, I will be compelled to kick in the door of his dingy Camden squat and beat him to death with a rolled-up copy of I-D magazine. Prick.”’

Dr Not Waving hopes the test will eventually become mandatory for all women over 35. ‘It will give a clear indication as to whether they can carry on partying and saying things like, ‘That’s soooo random!’ for another few years, or whether they should be joining the National Trust, buying a pair of comfortable Viyella slacks and setting Sky+ to record “Midsomer Murders”.’

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47 Comments

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47 responses to “New test reveals when middle age begins. Sort of

  1. I bailed out at 1 minute 10 muttering “dickhead”.

    Shall test it on my 15yo daughter after school, for science like, y’know, yeah, whatever.

    • 15yo daughter’s reaction..

      “What is that?”
      “Is he even old enough to have lots of women? He doesn’t look it”
      “Bit of a dickhead but quite good looking”

      She’s so fecking sensible, you won’t find her in the bushes with a bottle of Merrydown and 10 JPS – dunno where she came from.

      • notwavingbutironing

        Good for her, her ‘knobhead’ radar is in good working order. As for Merrydown, don’t remind me. Horrible memories of sitting on park benches in Worcester swigging it from the bottle. Still, I’m such a staid, boring cow these days my daughter’s probably going to go the other way. Oh god, if she ever brings home an Ash Stymest-alike…

  2. 0.15 seconds to verdict ‘dickhead’ = that probably makes me somewhere in my 80’s and smelling of piss and biscuits…

  3. Oh, god he was awful. It’s the National Trust for me! And what do you mean, viyella pyjamas??? Have had them for YEARS darling.
    Christ, am decidedly Middle Aged. Bugger.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh, so am I, Ladybird, so am I. Will see you at Sissinghurst – I’ll be wearing Jesus sandals and squinting at my RHS plant guide because I’ve forgotten my varifocals.

  4. OK I am clearly just losing it as I thought him quite cute even if he is a bit full of it…

  5. I think he looks alright, but I can’t hear him cos my laptop is ‘middle-aged’

  6. myf

    i must register as ancient cause before i turned the mute button off (cause websites are so noisy) i thought he was maybe patting an apple pie not a bongo. very old me. x

    • notwavingbutironing

      Patting an apple pie! Hee, hee. If only… He is ticking my two boxes for twattery: playing bongos and wearing a hat. D said he saw a male model in the office the other day, wearing flipflops and a pork pie hat, and carrying a microscooter AND a guitar. That’s a full house!

  7. Hmm…first I thought, yeah, cute…and then I thought, no, no, no, that is soooo wrong. I mean, in a few years my daughter could be dating someone his age. Yikes!

    I confessed to a friend the other day, that I’d started to find Hugh Grant attractive. that’s gotta be a serious symptom of middle age. In ten years he’s gone up in my rating from ‘pompous public school ar***ole’ to ‘wouldn’t kick him out on a cold night’. Next thing you know I’ll start fancying Prince Andrew…ok, shoot me now.

    • notwavingbutironing

      I’ll come round to yours, Big Mamma, and deliver a lethal injection, and you can while its effects are kicking in, you can push me out of the window for fancying Alan Hanson, and nearly everyone off The Bill.

  8. libby

    Luckily I’m the other side of middle-aged…with a 19 yr old daughter….we always figured that Ash looked great, and would be so much more appealing if he would just SHUT THE FUCK UP

    • notwavingbutironing

      Agreed, he is extremely pretty. Imagine he looks great in photographs. And that’s exactly where he should stay.

  9. My ovaries shrivelled around about the bit about the clap clinic – and I fancy Prince Andrew. Scientific theory proved!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Yes, the bit about the clinic WAS enticing, wasn’t it? ‘Form a queue, ladies, my genital warts have finally cleared up… ‘

  10. He looks about twelve.

  11. I feel sorry for him. Poor lamb. I don’t think he’s even had sex the once. He’s just looking for his place in the world, and trying to hard to make an impression. It’s poignant really.

    I’ve been reading the Dalai Lama, and I have come to realise that compassion for others makes you ageless, and thus cures wrinkles, poor eyesight and a double chin.

  12. I bailed at about 8 seconds BUT I have (a) seen it before and know what a knob he is and (b) already know that I’m a cool nana who hasn’t hit 40 years of age yet 😉

    • notwavingbutironing

      Not 40 yet? Well, you’re obviously not ready to join my knitting circle! Come back when your nipples are level with your belly button and I’ll reconsider.

  13. I am concerned that you know how to spell Midsomer. That’s a dead giveaway.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Damn you, Iota, with your swanky new NY tagline! But you recognised it too! I will have some DVDs shipped over…

  14. I’m worried. Did I used to give such streaks of piss the time of day when I was younger (and pissed)? Would my born-a-teenager 11 yo daughter smile forgivingly now or soon?

    I’m going to sound extremely crumbly now but I do believe he’d been at the altar wine and what he really needs is a good bowl of hot soup.

    Actually, feel a bit sorry for him too. For most streaks of piss this performance would be down (or maybe outside still) the pub – and all forgotten about the next day. Whereas he’s cemented his saddo status on YouTube forever! That’s funny. Not sure I do feel sorry for him. He’s been on YouTube. He might actually get a shag now. Bless him!

    Pass the Werthers Originals someone…..

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ah, you do make me laugh, Madame. I like the imagine of said streak of piss getting tanked on two sips of altar wine. Maybe you’re right, I should feel more motherly and forgiving. But just can’t get over the hat. Or the bongos.

  15. Perhaps the researchers at the Not Waving But Ironing Institute of Sciencey Stuff could carry out a penile measurement test. I’m pretty sure they’d find there’s a direct correlation between having a big mouth and a micro-penis.

    • notwavingbutironing

      I am sure you’re right, Shouty Dad. Or as my friend Linda used to say, ‘The size of the penis is inversely proportional to the size of the stereo’. (Am showing my age, again, there – am talking of 20 years ago when men had MASSIVE amps.)

  16. oh my god it’s my son!

  17. I win the facial hair competition (who has most) so he is too young for me.

    Anna May x

  18. OK, then. I think I’ve tipped over into raving, loony, omg lock him up, I’m glad my daughter lives in the States, hysterical waaaaaay into middle age outrage.

    Luckily I couldn’t figure out half of what he was saying.

    You are hilarious, that much I can understand.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh bless you, Tish. Do the young men in France bear any resemblance to this, this ‘thing’? Please enlighten us.

  19. Dear Mrs Not – I’ve been trying of late to press ‘Follow’ buttons on the occasional blog thing but you have a different system – an e-maily system – and as I have a dodgy history of e-maily things on your system I’m a bit jellified about it. Do you have a secret ‘Follow’ button that just pops up your blog thing on my blog thing? Thank you for your patience Yours imbecilically Mme SG x

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh God, oh God, I haven’t a clue what I’m doing and now Madame has metaphorically ripped off my spirit mask to reveal… the owner of the circus! (Oh hang on, that’s Scooby Doo), no, to reveal… a technically incompetent, imbecilic computer-phobe. What is an RSS feed? I have the option of putting one on my site, but when I wikipedia-ed it, I couldn’t understand the explanation.

  20. I can’t be bothered to play the clip which I expect proves that I have always been middle aged, certainly too sensible.( Clearly another way of saying mrs control freak hausfrau.) QED

  21. I lasted 15 seconds – he looks about 12, but is old enough to be called a complete knob. That makes me ready for my horlicks and Midsomer Murders then? Hey ho!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Come round to mine, then Diney. I have a couple of those Snugglesack thingies. We can cosy up and watch ‘Old Tricks’.

  22. Ah Mrs Not – do not worry your pretty little head – it all sounds way to ….techni…….dull to fret about. Just keep leaving pesky messsages at mine and I’ll get at you one way or another.

    And oh! Excuse me for my impertinence but today, while pegging out my lovely washing……….., a potential roller Derby name popped into my head – how about Ironing Maiden?

    • notwavingbutironing

      That would be ideal! But what will you be? Attila the Mum was the best I could come up with. Do you think we sound threatening enough?

  23. I like that! I’d only come up with Mama Crass. We could be a team – maybe The Bad Muthas.

    Except I can’t actually skate.

  24. Hmmm.
    Managed five nano-seconds of the chuffing greasy little oik.
    See you at Sissinghurst.

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