I was tagged a little while ago by Lou over at the always-entertaining The Archers at the Larches (I’m sure most of you know and love her already, but she’s in my blogroll at the side there if you don’t. Visit now! But come back afterwards).
I must say, I enjoyed being probed by you, Lou. In fact, I haven’t had such a thorough probing for quite a while. You brought things out of me that I didn’t even realise were in there, they were buried so deep.
Right, that’s quite enough of that.
1 Snog, Marry, Avoid (this exam question relates either to David Cameron or President Obama)
Marry Obama, I guess. Avoid Cameron at all costs. But then get blind drunk at the White House Christmas party and snog Cameron under a table. Get divorced by Obama. Oh God, why do I always make such a mess of things?
2 What’s the worst Christmas present you’ve ever received?
It was a Tiny Tears doll, when I’d made it quite clear to Santa that I wanted a pony. A pony, Santa. Can’t you fucking read?
3 Describe the worst public toilets you’ve ever visited.I’m afraid to say they were in France. It was 1983 and we’d stopped at some garage/service station en route to our campsite, and I was confronted with what looked like a shower tray embedded in the ground, crusted with merde. No lock on the door, of course; I had to take one leg out of my pastel-blue pedal pushers and hover.
4 What is the food you most dislike and why?
Primeval-ly things that look like they belong in the Jurassic era: mussels, oysters, squid, octopus. Swamp food.
5 Do you prefer the curtains/windows open or shut when you sleep?
My curtains are permanently open, baby! Well, they are since I had the children. The GP says it’s possible to have them fixed, but I’d have to go private.
6 How competitive are you?
I don’t have an alpha personality. I am happy to admit that most people can do most things better than I can. Apart from spell – I can spell like the wind. Anyone wanna be in a spell-off with me? Huh? Step up to the plate and let’s see what you’re made of! Hey, loser, there’s no ‘e’ in Wedgwood!
7 What’s the best wedding or birthday party you’ve attended?
Being hugely, almost pathologically repressed, I find most weddings and formal events a little uncomfortable. I want to shrivel up when people talk about their love for each other, and particularly when they read each other poems. ‘My true love hath my heart and I have his…’ TOO INTIMATE!! Now I’m getting unwelcome images of Nigel pounding away at Kerry over the coffee table in the Holiday Inn Bridal Suite.
8 What’s the best chat-up line you’ve ever heard/used?
I grew up in the West Midlands in the 1980s – we didn’t have chat-up lines. A bloke on the pull would just rub the legs of his shellsuit together, and while you were distracted by the high-pitched squeaking sound, he’d get you in a headlock and drag you into his Ford Capri.
9 What’s better, a bath or a shower?
For saving the planet, a shower. But you can’t beat lounging in the bath with Radio 4’s A Book at Bedtime playing in the background. Plus, your breasts float and look 20 years younger.
10 How superstitious are you?
I’m not. Although I do swear by my ‘lucky’ steroids; you might scoff, but I really believe they helped me win the mums’ race at sports day last year.
Now I have to nominate five bloggers to answer my own questions. This will require at least another week’s thought and a few lie-downs on my chaise longue. I’ll be back.