I am going back to the hairdressers on Wednesday, to have my hair dyed back dark. The treacle and caramel slices haven’t worked out for me; in artificial light I give off a sickly orange glow, like a glass of Sunny D. Anyway, for the purposes of creating dramatic tension (and of putting off mopping my kitchen floor), I am recreating the scene, way back in February, of my brutal bobbing at the hands of Sasha at Impressions Hair & Beauty. And yes I know, you can see right up my whoopsie again. Must buy some Barbie knickers.
Sasha: ‘Hiya, what can we do for you today?’
Not Waving: ‘Well, my hair looks a bit straggly at the ends. I think it needs a trim.’
Sasha: ‘I’ll blunt-cut it at nape level, bevel the ends and chop in some temple-hugging notches…’
Not Waving: ‘As long as it’s not tooo short.’
Sasha: ‘… then I’ll do a dark base colour and weave in some highlights; I’ll tell you this is essential to ‘break it up a bit’ and ‘give you a lift’. But actually it’s just so we can screw an extra £60 out of you.’
Not Waving: ‘Um, okay then. You know best.’
Sasha gets to work…
Not Waving: ‘Have you worked here long? I haven’t seen you before.’
Sasha: ‘I usually sweep up and pull the hair out of the plugholes. But we’re a bit short-staffed today.’
Not Waving: ‘Oh shit.’
Later…
Sasha: ‘What do you think?’
Not Waving: ‘Um… Er….’
Sasha: ‘It’s totally on-trend.’
Not Waving: ‘It’s a bit shorter than I thought it would be.’
Sasha [impatiently]: ‘It’s directional.’
Not Waving: ‘It’s a bit… bowl-like.’
Sasha [irritated]: ‘Lewis, Kassidy, this lady doesn’t like her hair.’
Lewis: ‘Oooooh, but that’s lush, that is!’
Kassidy: ‘You look much younger. You could pass for 50!’
Not Waving: ‘I’m 41.’
Kassidy: ‘Whatever.’
Lewis: ‘See you next time!’
Sasha: ‘Bye then… you silly old bitch.’
Lewis: ‘Who does she think she is, Heidi f**king Klum?’
Kassidy: ‘I’m never getting old.’
Sasha: ‘Me neither. Let’s stay 16 for ever.’
Not waving but ironing 
And here’s me considering going for the chop. A haircut that’s easy to do, trendy and makes me look 10 years younger but doesn’t make me look like a bloke in bad drag. A bob was on the list… with colour. Oh dear.
Ellen, I’m sure yours will look lovely – I’ve seen your profile pic and you will carry it off with aplomb. Go for it! Just make sure your stylist is over 25.
Well, NWbI, I have to say, what do you expect letting a fish cut your hair? I could write a book about my hairdressing disasters, especially at the hands of so-called ‘colourists’ so I do sympathise really. I’ve had everything from the ‘tabby’ look to ‘whoops, I dropped a bucket of dye on your head’. In the interests of economy I’ve now opted for the blonde from a bottle look but at least if it’s sh*te it’s only cost me a fiver.
Am thinking of starting a second blog devoted to shite haircuts – I too have many, many stories to tell. Perhaps we could share photos? Anyhow, yesterday’s effort not brilliant either – asked for layers, and now look like Rod Stewart.
Could you also include eyebrow tinting nightmares? I have a few of those too. Got mistaken for Alistair Darling in a dress once!
Was that tart topless when she cut your hair!? No wonder your hair cut wasn’t up to scratch, she was probably standing too far back, nervous of catching her nips.
I’m with ‘Previously’ DIY is the best on the colour front, haven’t dared cut my hair, though my 7yo is constantly cutting hers off!!
i think the dinosaur ate hairdresser’s merkini top.
hilarious. i can see one day the feature film equivalent, you’re onto something. x
Lou: Topless of Tunbridge Wells! This town has changed let me tell you, anything goes nowadays. BTW, thank you for tagging me, that will be my next post. Am racking my teeny-tiny brain….
Myf: Bless you for visiting. Now get on with your work, you employed person, you!
ooohhh scaryville isnt it…the hairdressers?
I am carrot and swede with a bit of treacle on the barnet front at the moment and mustering up the courage (and saving up the money) to go to a proper colourist and get sorted out…but even when thats done i wont like it….never happy with my hair me….funny post NWBI
I can’t connect to your blog, Libby – pls leave a link if you get a minute.
Like the sound of carrot and swede. Funny how hairdressers never reference vegetables or other foodstuffs on their colour charts – it’s always confectionary. Sausage brown – now, I’d go for that.
Oh, god. Was thinking about going to have hair cut but this has brought back awful memories… bowl cuts and hideous colouring. Just like yours!!
Please be careful. And for god’s sake wear knickers. xx
Will try, Ladybird, but when I leave off the knickers I feel so free! I imagine that’s how Paris Hilton and Britney feel, with the LA breeze wafting around their nether regions.
‘I don’t advise you get a haircut. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government, man. Hair are your aerials.’ Or something like that…….. That’s Danny in Withnail & I that is – the wisest character on celuloid. Knows his onions.
Get a hat. But not a red one obviously. Summer drawers on! You slut!!! And at YOUR age too……
I officially love you MadameSmokinGun… anyone who quote Withnail and I is a Gem in my book… lol Smexcellent!! Anyone got any lighter fluid and Deep Heat? I’m feelin Chilly…
LOL – SB x
MSG: I admit it isn’t a pleasant sight, what with my prolapsed womb dragging along the ground. But I’ve always liked to turn heads.
SB: Get your hands off MSG – I love her too! We could wrestle for her in jelly. I promise to wear pants.
Well would you believe it but I had my scratty locks bobbed two weeks ago and was quite happy with the result. Went back last week to re-think my colour and the hairdresser plonked some blackberry-coloured muck on it and charged me £50 for the pleasure. I think I resemble a morello cherry.
Well, that calls for a new profile pic on your site, I think. What does Dougie think of your new fruity look?
Never ever have the Junior. I went to one of those trainee nights once where they needed “models” and I use that word advisedly. When they told me what they were going to do to me – razor cut the back, sort of Linda McCartney two hairstyles job, I leapt out of the chair. I’d already had my hair washed.
I’m sure it looks lovely Haven’t heard the word ‘lush’ since 1982 in the West Country.
Wow, you had the guts to run – I’ve been in similar situations and been frozen to the chair in embarrassment. Explains the freakish collection of cuts I had in my youth.
As for lush, time stands still in Tunbridge Wells. It’s like Brigadoon.
HiHo,
Yet another marvellous post to keep me amused during yet another not so marvellous shift at work… lol
I used to have my hair platinum blonde, then I caught myself on and realised that I’m not Paris frickin Hilton, I’m a 24 year old boy from Ireland! Not the best look….
I actually got my hair cut on Saturday, she made me close my eyes and take a deep breath… I spent so long growing my hair into a nice shape with a sweepy fringe that looked as if it fell that way naturally when I got out bed… (despite 15 minutes washing, 7 minutes drying, 10 minutes straightening my fro into some sort of shape and then fondling it a little to make it look just messy enough)… and now… NOW… I resemble Jedward! 😦
It’s goooogus she told me, accents my cheekbones she told me… I wonder if I can get implants? Hmm…
Also, the blog thing, while I do have one, I’m pantaloons at updating it and my life is rather dull at present, but as soon as I update it a little, I’ll be sure to send you the link 😀
Always SB xx
We want to see the new haircut, SB! I’m sure it is lovely, you are a very handsome young man (do I sound predatory and pervy? Hope so.) My husband is from N Ireland by the way – he has recently grown a Russell-Croweish beard (nicer than it sound, I promise). Here’s to irish men doing whatever they like with their hair. Freedom!
Send us a link Social B! I crave love official or not. And definitely need more hair-raising tales from previously sweepy-fringed boys.
We’re not from London………..
My dear, chopped, bevelled, notched Not Waving – she really did break you up a little, huh?
Thanks, as ever, for the laughs. If I was on a desert island and could only take one blog, it would be yours.*
*Let’s not worry about the logistics of this scenario, shall we?
How kind, Maxabella! Unfortunately, my husband is disgusted that I spend my time using my children’s toys to illustrate pointless, ridiculous scenarios instead of looking for a job – can you believe him?
Ridiculous! Can’t the man see that moving plastic Mattel toys into compromising positions to illustrate the pain of life is your ART.
PS – I paid $110 (you read that right) to get my ends trimmed approximately 1/2 cm the other night. They’re prostitutes, I tell you.
Oh yes, I CAN believe it. They can justify the prices because they throw in a ‘free’ shiatsu head massage, which consists of a bored 17-year-old pummelling your scalp while telling you all about their latest pregnancy scare. Money for old rope!
I am still not over it. I will NEVER get over it. If I saw that hairdresser on the street I would spit on him. EVEN THOUGH I hate the thought of spitting on someone, I would do it.
My first visit here via Deer Baby blog roll … hilarious! I know I’m going to be back!
I hope so, Cupcake. You are very kind!
The Rod Stewart cut sounds a little scary! I’ve finally found the best hairdresser ever, but it has taken me 40 years!!! He looks like Robert Downey jnr and is a great colourist and cutter – I must stop going to the hairdressers every other day!!! I’ve had some crackers over the year from orange to chilli via plum and gothic, with an interlude to saffron with carrot. Finally *ta da* I’m happy with my barnet, but how much money and pain has it caused me on the rocky road!
Can I have his number, Diney? He sounds like he ticks every box, if you know what I mean. And your hair looks lovely on your profile pic.
PS ‘The Rod’ got rained on today, and dried into David Coverdale off Whitesnake.
I’m still getting over the fact that you got your hair cut by a mermaid. Glorious.
What can I say? It only cost me three squid. Boom, boom!