Dear me, a gap of three weeks between posts. My blog is starting to go brown and curly at the edges, and it’s going to die if I don’t feed and water it a bit more regularly. I must admit, I’ve been feeling particularly apathetic lately, which, coming from someone whose idea of dynamism is having two different flavours of Pringles on the go, is really saying something.
Hmmm, let’s see… what have I been up to? I had to go to a parents’ meeting at school yesterday. The teacher/chairperson kept looking at the clock anxiously and assuring us, ‘I won’t keep you long, I know you’re all extremely busy people’. Everyone shuffled their paperwork and made murmurs of assent and looked hacked off that they were now going to be too late to take that conference call from the States/scrub up for that kidney transplant/email their script amendments to the BBC drama department.
I shuffled my paperwork a bit too, and tried to look like someone who might actually be busy rather than someone who was planning to pop into town and buy some oatcakes so she could Sellotape one to a Barbie’s face and photograph it for her blog, breaking at least one oatcake in the process and having to re-glue the googly eyes to another and felt-tip another mouth, and struggling to get the Sellotape to stick to the back of the oatcake, which must surely be the slippiest, most adhesive-resistant surface in the culinary world.
The point – because there’s always a point, I don’t do this kind of thing for nothing, you know – was to keep you updated on my exercise progress, and reveal how one session per week of ‘Jackie Diss’s Beach Bum Workout’, one ‘Hannah Waterman’s Body Blitz’ workout and a tedious hour of ‘Davina McCall’s Power of Three’ can turn you from this…
in just a matter of weeks. I now have the body of a 20-year-old. Sadly, given that I’ve been too exhausted to moisturise, my face still resembles something you’d find at the bottom of a cracker barrel.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. ‘I bet you look nothing like that in real life, Not Waving.’ Actually, I look exactly like that. My nickname at school was Enormous Oatcake Face. Although close friends who’d seen me getting changed for PE also knew me as Blow-moulded Plastic Fanny.
Right, we’re off to Norfolk for half term. Which means it’ll be at least a week before my next gripping installment. I hope you can wait that long, ladies. I know it can get uncomfortable up there on those tenterhooks…
*DISCLAIMER: Not Waving But Ironing has been styled using some very unnatural hair extensions.