Nice legs, shame about the biscuit face

Dear me, a gap of three weeks between posts. My blog is starting to go brown and curly at the edges, and it’s going to die if I don’t feed and water it a bit more regularly. I must admit, I’ve been feeling particularly apathetic lately, which, coming from someone whose idea of dynamism is having two different flavours of Pringles on the go, is really saying something.

Hmmm, let’s see… what have I been up to? I had to go to a parents’ meeting at school yesterday. The teacher/chairperson kept looking at the clock anxiously and assuring us, ‘I won’t keep you long, I know you’re all extremely busy people’. Everyone shuffled their paperwork and made murmurs of assent and looked hacked off that they were now going to be too late to take that conference call from the States/scrub up for that kidney transplant/email their script amendments to the BBC drama department.
I shuffled my paperwork a bit too, and tried to look like someone who might actually be busy rather than someone who was planning to pop into town and buy some oatcakes so she could Sellotape one to a Barbie’s face and photograph it for her blog, breaking at least one oatcake in the process and having to re-glue the googly eyes to another and felt-tip another mouth, and struggling to get the Sellotape to stick to the back of the oatcake, which must surely be the slippiest, most adhesive-resistant surface in the culinary world.

The point – because there’s always a point, I don’t do this kind of thing for nothing, you know – was to keep you updated on my exercise progress, and reveal how one session per week of ‘Jackie Diss’s Beach Bum Workout’, one  ‘Hannah Waterman’s Body Blitz’ workout and a tedious hour of ‘Davina McCall’s Power of Three’ can turn you from this…

…to this*,

in just a matter of weeks. I now have the body of a 20-year-old. Sadly, given that I’ve been too exhausted to moisturise, my face still resembles something you’d find at the bottom of a cracker barrel.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. ‘I bet you look nothing like that in real life, Not Waving.’ Actually, I look exactly like that. My nickname at school was Enormous Oatcake Face. Although close friends who’d seen me getting changed for PE also knew me as Blow-moulded Plastic Fanny.

Right, we’re off to Norfolk for half term. Which means it’ll be at least a week before my next gripping installment. I hope you can wait that long, ladies. I know it can get uncomfortable up there on those tenterhooks…

*DISCLAIMER: Not Waving But Ironing has been styled using some very unnatural hair extensions.



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33 responses to “Nice legs, shame about the biscuit face

  1. Can you do splits like Barbie too?
    As I remember Sindy was the best at this…but then I wasn’t allowed a Barbie. I expect that was because Barbie was just too overtly sexy…whereas Sindy kept all her assets neatly under a very teeny tiny skimpy no-imagination-needed school-type gym outfit (with knee-high majorette boots), so she was perfectly prudishly OK.

    • notwavingbutironing

      No, I wasn’t allowed Barbie either! (Having just read your comment about TV viewing, our parents sound v similar, Big Mamma). Barbie was too American for my mother’s taste – a brassy Farrah Fawcett, to Sindy’s Nanette Newman.

  2. Lou

    Please tell me there’s a bloody happy ending….stressful day, sorry….

    Did you eventually marry Ken?

    …chickenless Lou actually….sob, sob,

  3. I just can’t get past the ‘two flavours of Pringles’. I mean, are you Wonder Woman or something? Two? Honestly? How do you DO that?

    Did you tell them about that at the meeting? When they all shuffled their papers, you could have crunched your pringles.

    • notwavingbutironing

      And sometimes, Iota, I crack open a pot of cheesy dip as well! Don’t feel bad about yourself – we can’t all be high-achieving and go-getting. I was just born this way.

  4. I do remember seeing you with blonde hair once … alledgedly [sp?] to see if blondes really do have more fun.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Well hello there, the lovely Ms Nelson Rhodes! Thank you for visiting me! And yes, I did have more fun – taxi drivers were actually nice to me and called me ‘sweetheart’ instead of just slamming the door in my face and growling, ‘I don’t go sarf of the river this time ‘o night.’ We brunettes have no idea.

  5. Two kids and you still have perky boobs! I’m in awe!

  6. I thought you’d drowned under a pile of ironing. And now you’re off again? How will I survive without my fix?

    Love the oatcake face. You could change the words of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face to Oatcake Face. I thought of you the other day when reading about someone who had bought loads of mutilated Sindys at a car boot for £1 each – feet missing etc – and then sold them on ebay for £70 or £80 each. They were rare apparently.

    Parents meetings are an awful bore aren’t they? Bet you liven them up though.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh, I said very little at all – it was all so intimidating. (My kids are still in yrs 1 and 2, and the other mums had kids in year 5 and 6 and ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING).
      Anyway, missed you, too – I’ve slightly lost the will to live lately, but that’s nothing that can’t be fixed with vodka and Venlafaxine. x

  7. Wow – I need your diet and exercise plan. I could cope with the oatcake face if I had a body like Barbie…mine presently resembles Tinky Winky’s…

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ah, but I’ll bet you have Tinky Winky’s smooth, baby-soft cheeks, too, Mummmeeeee. You could use mine to scour the grill pan. In fact, I might try that later (slow day.)

  8. Hi. Can’t find your twitter name anywhere to send you a quick message, hence this approach. I’ve just included you in my Top Blogs on Just thought you’d like to know. Great stuff.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh, thank you, Bill! That is a really flattering write-up you’ve given me. Must try and live up to it. No pressure, then. Don’t panic. (Not Waving starts blowing into a paper bag…)

  9. That diet / exercise combo rocks you are certainly beach ready now. I’m sure there is a research paper waiting to be written on the relative adhesive qualities of various foodstuffs. Enjoy the hols xx

    • notwavingbutironing

      Did I mention my summer hols this year are going to be spent in Belfast? All this trouble for nothing. I don’t imagine I’ll even be able to take my parka off.

  10. But you had to watch Hannah Waterman. Can that ever be worth it?

    • notwavingbutironing

      I find her strangely compelling. I get the same effect from Davina’s DVD. I’m in physical pain; they say something enormously patronising like, ‘Oooh, well done, you managed one sit-up!’, and it actually makes me feel pathetically grateful. Must be Stockholm Syndrome.

  11. Oh Bloody Hell you make me laugh.
    Howled with laughter over parents meeting and you thinking about oatcakes…. hope half term in Norfolk is nice, but for God’s sake, do another post soon. These tenterhooks are darned painful. xxxx

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thanks, Ladybird, what a lovely thing to say. I did kind of go off the boil over the last few weeks, for various reasons; am determined to post more often. It’s not like I have anything else to do, after all. x

  12. You had to go and mention Norfolk again didn’t you?

    • notwavingbutironing

      I did. Want to make something of it?
      (Actually, I take that back. I imagine you’re 10 times harder than me. Here, take my dinner money…)

  13. libby

    Blow moulded plastic fanny? thanks for that..made me laugh out loud, and there has’nt been a lot of that just lately….enjoy Norfolk (such a gorgeuous place..I’m not at all jealous..not. at. all.)

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thank you, Libby. And Norfolk was beautiful (we went to the North coast). It was unbelievably clean – the main coast road looked like someone had hoovered it.

  14. You know how it is; your mate has a blog, and you read it. You click on another blog, then another blog, then another blog, and then you find Deer Baby. And then you see, oooh, what blogs does Deer Baby read, I wonder if they’re good too, and lo and behold, here I am.

    I live in Canada, where books – and cheese – are oddly expensive, but I don’t have to buy books now, cos I have two excellent blogs to read. I’d appreciate some help on the cheese front, though.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Well, thank you for visiting all the way from Canada, Anna. If I ever get to visit your beautiful country (which I’d love to) I will make sure to bring my own books. And cheese.
      Ironically, Canadian cheddar is very reasonably priced in my local supermarket.

      • annablagona

        I’ve confused quite a few Canadians with my observations regarding cheese.
        ‘Cheese is very expensive here, isn’t it?’ I say.
        ‘It’s always been that price.’ They reply.
        I’m a lot of fun to be around, you can tell.
        And whilst I am a Canadian citizen I am, strictly speaking, from Hull.

  15. You are hilarious. I almost never laugh at blogs, but I do at yours! Please don’t neglect it (omigod! That was a severe case of pot-calling-kettle black).

  16. Three posts in and I am clutching my sides. “scrub up for a heart transplant” lol

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