Bet THIS never happens to Nigella

The table is set, the wine is uncorked, the lasagne is browning nicely in the oven. I am pretty chuffed with myself. Look at this, Mr Not Waving! I don’t need your ‘Why don’t you whip up some Chantilly cream instead of just plonking the Elmlea carton on the table?’ input. Yeah, enjoy your evening in the pub, Cordon Bleu boy. I’ve got this entertaining thing nailed.

But wait – something’s missing! Something that is guaranteed to give my several-times-postponed (thanks, chickenpox outbreak) birthday supper the perfect ambience. Of course! Quickly, get upstairs to the bathroom, Son, and produce a Guinness World Record-breaking, foul-smelling log the length of my forearm. Yes, one of your ‘five a day? More like five a month’ specials, a dark-as-coal, dense, 100 per cent meat one. Hurry now, the guests are about to arrive! Make sure it smells more acrid than a slurry pit – I need a stench from which Beelzebub himself would recoil, and which no amount of Tesco Christmas Spice tealights and opening of various windows can dispel. Go! And while you’re up there, ask your sister to come down. I need a waitress to pass round the peanuts – one with suppurating chickenpox sores AND nits will be just the ticket.

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38 Comments

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38 responses to “Bet THIS never happens to Nigella

  1. It’ll be the new big thing in entertaining, just you wait and see!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Will wait to see it on ‘Come Dine With Me.’ Or should that be ‘Come Lay A Huge Cable In My Downstairs Cloakroom’?

  2. Are you sure you haven’t adopted one of my boys while I wasn’t looking?

    • notwavingbutironing

      Glad to know I’m not alone in this. Son is very regular, 7.30-8pm is ‘his time’. Better than doing his business on a playdate, I suppose, like he once did. The mother told me, ‘He disappeared for about half an hour.’ She looked revolted, so no doubt it was a particularly pungent affair.

  3. Oh what I shame I must have lost my invite in the post

  4. lol well if ‘one’ is rich enough one can send son to a bog in another wing of the house thus not disturbing guests with ‘eau de carcass’ while they are nibbling their canapes

  5. Sorry given up dinner parties for Lent!

  6. Sores AND nits? Wow. That’s the jackpot.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Yep, scraping that metal comb over her scalp sores was a really bonding mother-daughter experience. She’ll remember it for ever.

  7. Sounds like fun, where was my invite?

    • notwavingbutironing

      Yep, I know how to throw a party, me. Infectious childhood disease PLUS poo – it’s a recipe for success.

  8. Thank god my loo has no windows and thus an extractor fan. Just keep the door locked for half an hour and switch it on. Can you tell three males live in this house?

  9. Oww – you’ve given me a stitch. My son’s are also pretty legendary. At the mo, we are keeping a poo calendar. Writes a big P on his Peanuts calendar each time (it is quite a rare occurence hence the monitoring for the doctor). When it doesn’t flush the first time, my husband and my son sing a little song ‘Look at me once, look at me twice, look at me again and there’s gonna be a fight.”

    Good job you’re not on that programme Come Dine With Me.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ah, the floater situation. At least I didn’t have to contend with that on Wednesday. That song could catch on, you know.

  10. I hope he left a pair of skiddy knickers on the stairs. That’s very important.

  11. You forgot to mention that while the peanuts are being passed around the passer is doubtless either picking his/her nose or absently toying with genitals (their own)…

    • notwavingbutironing

      I see I’m just a rank amateur when it comes to stomach-churning dinner-party scenarios. Must try harder!

  12. Social_Butterfly

    Hilar…. 😀
    I’ve been quietly following for a while now… posts get better and better…
    I’m imagining and evening rather on par with the dinner party from exorcist, except without the devlish possession… maybe?

    From your number 1 male follower…. 😀
    SBxx

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thank you, SB. Can’t link to your blog from the above, so post your address if you get a minute. We can swap ironing tips!

  13. So sorry we couldn’t make it but be sure to ask us next time…no wait…can’t…we’re busy for the next 15 years…possibly longer…

  14. The shit! I send them over the road to my Mum’s when I am expecting guests – at least she has the luxury of a bathroom window.

    I tell you, I blame the government for shutting down the public conveniences. It’s not right that we can no longer kick our manky men out for a dump just after we’ve cleaned the loo. I tell ya….

    • notwavingbutironing

      Mummmeee – don’t worry, come in 15 years, by which time the spagetti bolognese in my son’s colon will be particularly rancid. It’ll be worth the wait!

      Mrs W – you’ve got me thinking. Could send Son down to the bushes at the end of the garden…

  15. Only their own genitals? Amateurs!

    Current favourite beverage in our house – boy wee in a glass presented with beaming face.

    And ye who enter here – hang on to your trousers.

    Just one question – Boys. Why? Short answers only please, I’m not really that interested. Have to go now – dart aiming straight at my hea——-

    • notwavingbutironing

      We haven’t done the glass of wee thing yet. I feel slightly disappointed in my children. This was the only area in which they excelled. Perhaps I should get them a tutor?

  16. That was very funny – hope to be invited along next time! (not!!)

    At one of our dinner parties a few years ago my cat ran into the dining room with a mouse hanging from her mouth, jumped onto the table and ran the length of it then dropped the bloody mouse which was ALIVE and which then fell off the table and ran up the curtains……our friends sat with open mouths (very bad manners!) then one of my friends screamed, as she was terrified of both cats and mice….oh dear.

  17. I wonder how many of the twenty-eight commenters (above me) searched for the tags “dinner parties” and “gigantic turds”. Or, indeed, would own up to having searched for them.

    Oh.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Diney – sounds like a magical evening. I hope you remembered to scatter mouse droppings over the petits fours (Martha Stewart gave me that tip).

      Brian B – All of them, I reckon. They’re a peculiar bunch.

  18. Have just the thing for foul smelling log things that pervade through house and destroy perfect hostess preparations in a flash.
    Two large buckets, prepared with fresh water in each. Toilet duck in one’s household holster. (you don’t have one?? Get one immediately…)
    Flush. Wait. Hurl bucket 1. Wait. Hurl bucket 2.
    Fire Toilet Duck EVERYWHERE.
    OPEN all windows. SHUT all doors.
    Use fearfully expensive scent used just for this purpose and SPRAY liberally.
    Then blame dog.
    xxx
    (hardened log removal person in my house. )

    • notwavingbutironing

      Now there’s a woman who knows what she’s talking about! Like the holster idea, will get down to B&Q…

  19. myf

    pox, nits, wafts of turds, it was all lovely…

  20. Priceless. In my house it’s normally my husband who does that trick. And normally in the downstairs loo just in case the stink doesn’t carry sufficiently from upstairs.

  21. notwavingbutironing

    How thoughtful of him. Does he flush?

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