‘Stop boggly-bogglying, the Vicar’s coming for tea…’

I think it might be time to separate my children at bathtime. To be honest, it has never been the gentle winding-down ritual that experts bang on about in baby books; my two seem to suck up some sort of manic energy the minute they hit the lavender-scented bubbles, and before you can say ‘inappropriate behaviour’, they’re filling friendly-looking plastic whales/ducks/dolphins with water, sticking them between their legs and pretending to wee copiously, etc, etc.
I’ve looked it up online, and the received wisdom seems to be that you should be guided by your children and allow them more privacy ‘when one of them starts showing natural modesty.’ I presume they mean the kind of ‘natural modesty’ I witnessed tonight, when my son turned his back on my daughter, shoved his bottom literally three inches from her face and shouted ‘Smack my butt!’, and she then stood up in the bath and yelled, ‘Smack my fanny!’ (and for the benefit of any American visitors, she was using it the term in the British sense). Of course, they immediately sensed my disquiet – ‘That’s quite enough willies and fannies now, thank you!’ – so they started shouting, inexplicably, ‘Smackmyfanny.com! Smackmyfanny.com!’ and shrieking hysterically.
Last year they went through a stage of playing something called ‘Boggly boggly’, which basically involved one of them lying on top of the other and jiggling around, while shouting – you guessed it – ‘boggly, boggly!’ It looked most disturbing to an adult eye. My son decided to pin down my daughter at a neighbour’s barbecue and enthusiastically boggly-boggle her in front of the horrified guests. ‘Get up! For God’s sake, get up!’ I hissed. Which caused by daughter to wail, ‘But Mum, I LOVE boggly boggly!’
Please tell me I don’t need to turn myself in to Social Services.
PS I’ve just checked, and remarkably, there isn’t currently a website called http://www.smackmyfanny.com. Cyberspace porn barons are really missing a trick.
PPS Ben update: I’ve tried feeding him twice a day, against the express advice of the pet shop. And he’s like a new fish! He, like, swims and stuff! But the guilt is now magnified. According to my husband, ‘We’ve been operating some kind of fish Belsen.’



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35 responses to “‘Stop boggly-bogglying, the Vicar’s coming for tea…’

  1. Feeding your pets? Whatever next? I desperately want to log onto smackmyfanny.com. I love this. You’re making my children look almost normal. Thank you for this. Their ‘Smell my Bum’ game just looks lame now. Mind you I dread to think what might happen if I did actually run a bath for them. They’d probably dissolve – like the Wicked Witch of the West. ‘I’m melting!’

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ah yes, the ‘Smell my Bum’ game. Always goes down well when Granny comes to visit. I was told off if I even blew a raspberry when I was growing up, so I’ve tried to let my two ‘express themselves’ and get all the wee/poo jokes out of their systems. It’s backfiring now, though…

  2. The mind boggly-boggles…

    • notwavingbutironing

      Hope it doesn’t all sound too dysfunctional, Iota. In their defence, they are very close in age, and neither of them is what I’d call sophisticated. Here’s hoping they grow out of it soon.

  3. I’ve never heard of two more modest and quiet children. oh except maybe mine, the girl spend the whole day naked, i can’t get her to put clothes on for love nor money and thinks its hilarious to grab hold of the boys willy and give it a little pull everytime he is sans clothes. They are only 3 and 1.5 so I’m not worrying….yet…

  4. My two sons favourite trick is to get their three year old younger sister to shout ‘Ow, my penis!’ in public.
    She is so delighted at their laughter and seeming approval that she just can’t seem to stop, shouting it over and over again in order to achieve the desired reaction, like a trained lab rat.

    I find the trick is to perfect the art of the indulgent smile (Ah.. I believe that children are our future) whilst simultaneously walking swiftly on.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thanks, Heather and Gappy, that’s very reassuring. Maybe I should just go on encouraging my children to find their own, and other people’s, private parts hilarious? It’s the British way, after all…

  5. How funny if your husband looks up past searches on the computer and sees you’ve put in http://www.smackmyfanny.com.

    Thanks for the motivational shout out. Still procrastinating but will definietly get the thing started today. How is the kids book going?

  6. Your posts make me laugh so much. More than my favourite comedian. You should be a stand up. I’d come and see you!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Oh, get outta town! (Would insert blushing emoticon if I could work out how to do it.) To be honest, I’d love to be able to write about emotional stuff, but I just don’t have the skill so I leave it to others like yourself who do it so beautifully. But if you’re looking for moronic drivel about shit haircuts and moody fish, please keep visiting. x

      • Hey I wish I could do the funny stuff. I think the tag on this amuses me – ‘goldfish concentration camp’. hope someone searches for that one day.

  7. notwavingbutironing

    Stop visiting other people’s blogs, Paparazzimum! Get your bloody feature started right now! (How was that? Did I sound like a scary boss lady?)
    Will start the brilliant children’s book soon, but I’ve got to paint the spare bedroom first. I know where my priorities lie…

  8. Just don’t bath them. That’s the easiest way.

  9. Yup we’re having the same sort of pronblem but mine are both boys! Much willie holding going on…I try to rise above it all but actually I haven’t a clue there are no boys bar Dad in my family and my husband is being peculiarly unforthcomingon this aspect of parenthood!

  10. We have the mock weeing and the general hysteria but thankfully the only fanny in this house is mine and the only person smacking it is, erm, me…..

    Mind you my toddler does run around shrieking I WANT BUTT, I WANT BUTT – which is actually Peanut Butter but all the same…..

  11. dragondays

    So apart from calling in Social Services to remove your children, we had also better call in the RSPCA and get Ben removed too …
    Is your husband all right? He isn’t battered is he? God there is a terrible joke here somewhere about battered husbands and goldfish.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Tattie – yep, strangely, my husband is no help, either. He doesn’t run about boggly-boggling anyone, though (not even me) so maybe he thinks the kids will just grow out of it.

      Stickhead – Is this boooo-barrrr boy again? I like him even more.

      Dragondays – Oh go on, I love a terrible joke. x

  12. hilarious hilarious hilarious! this is the first blog i’ve read that had me giggling out loud into my coffee! i started blogging in october as i attempt to set up my own business/grab random part time work and also continue the stuff of mum/husband. i thought this post was fantastic! will become a follower immediately!

    • notwavingbutironing

      If you happen to read this, Kate, what’s your blog address? Couldn’t link to it from your name above. Thought at first that your post might be my husband posing as a kind blogger (like your parents sending you a Valentine’s card) as he is currently on a mission to boost my self-esteem. It’s not you, is it, D?

  13. ELS

    That was head and shoulders the funniest thing to happen all day. Am tempted to make your blog required reading for the miserable malcontents that work for me…

    • notwavingbutironing

      You flatter me, as ever. Sorry to hear your staff are miserable. Hey, why don’t you all go out and play softball in the park? That always pulled together the employees at the faceless, profit-obsessed publishing corporation where I used to work.

  14. I remember bathtime. It meant I was soon checking out as a mother for the day. Thanks for bringing back some memories of those days with all of them in the tub.

    • notwavingbutironing

      You’re welcome, Midlife. Am going to pop over to yours in a minute to see how your job hunt is going. Better than mine, I hope.

  15. Brilliant as always! There is a Sunshine award for you over at my place. xx

  16. ladybird world mother

    Oh god. I am laughing so hard I cant see the keys so will jsut , oops, do some touch typing here… fish belsen!! And that scene in the bath. How glad am I that other children are as inappropriate in the bath as mine. How simply marvellous. Right, am off to smackmyfanny.com. xx

  17. I quite like reading moronic drivel about haircuts and moody fish. Maybe it’s because I write so much moronic drivel myself……

  18. notwavingbutironing

    Thank you for taking the time to read it, Ladybird and Mother. I know you both have a gazillion more kids than I do. More drivel to follow (am visiting parents tomorrow – should prove a rich source).

  19. I think I vaguely remember my older son and his cousin playing a similar game…. she used to lie on the floor and egg him on. Hussy.

    My 4yo has decided what career he;d like to pursue when he grows up, he wants to “do the butts”.

    And yes I am worried. I’ve seen the documentaries.

  20. There you go again: you write, I writhe in laughter.

    Please stop by for a visit, I have a cadeau for you.

  21. I think you should buy smackmyfanny.com, then when the porn barons want to buy it you can screw them (oh pun!) for all they’ve got.
    Fish belsen made me laugh!

  22. Oh my God…I think I’ve just found the funniest blog on the internet!

  23. Look here!I just put on a new, fresh shirt. And then I said “must visit that blog I came across the other day and have a look through her older posts.” Well darn it if my shirt isn’t wet with tears! And I was so proud of finding a clean, non-stained and unwrinkled one!
    Good lord we have the same children! Though mine are 3 (girl) and 5 (boy). They do the same thing! Smacking bums in the tub and screaming about it at the top of their lungs.
    Although we don’t have boggly,boggly we do have the “bouncy game.” Same thing, different name.
    Best though is the one my son mentioned over Christmas. Asked my father if they could go downstairs and play “Bouncy the Weasel.” Dad says “what’s that?” I reply, “I have no idea, Dad, he’s been talking about it since yesterday but hasn’t explained it.” Then seeing my son with a stick in his hand I say: “perhaps it’s not a good idea to play that game – I’m not sure who’s bouncy and who’s the weasel.” I take the stick from the boy and my father decides to play with him anyway (fool!)
    Their voices come up over the stairs:
    “Here Grandad, stand here.”
    “What do I do.”
    “Just stand there”
    “Wait, don’t run in the ooooooooooooooooh Jesus!”
    Apparently Bouncy the Weasel is played by running full tilt at the “weasel” and then headbutting him in the nuts.
    Glad we found that out before he asked anyone else to play with him.

    • notwavingbutironing

      How fantastically foolhardy of Grandpa! Has he not learnt that with children, one never ‘just stand[s] there’ and one NEVER lies down. Otherwise you are asking to be jumped on/kicked/stoned/headbutted, etc, etc. But to be fair, he was lulled into a false sense of security by the game’s cutesy, fluffy name. Your boy will go far.

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