Oh, brilliant. Now I look like a mushroom

I know some of you won’t have been able to sleep over the weekend, wondering how my new power bob is holding up. Well, inevitably, I was unable to reproduce its angular lines when I washed and blow-dried it myself yesterday, and consequently I now look like a giant chestnut mushroom.

I know I’m not alone in my hair horror, though. Thanks to your dire warnings about ‘the Velma’ (Trish at mumsgoneto.blogspot.com) and ‘the 75-year-old German supply teacher’ (Madame Smoking Gun at sceneofthecrime.blogspot.com), I understand that all bobs have a tendency to go badly awry. Still, I’m not really sure what the alternative is. Do I embrace middle-age and go with ‘the Cagney’, or ‘the Lacey’? Do I vainly try and recapture my youth by getting a spiral perm? Am I self-obsessed, do you think?

Whatever, I’m stuck with my puffball-head for the next six weeks at least. Maybe I could start a trend?

‘Attractive? Confident? Don’t be! Ask your hairdresser for new Bowl-o’-Hair™. With its unique motorcycle-helmet shape, Bowl-o’-Hair™ immediately removes all traces of sexiness, while its patented Oh!-It’s-A-Bit-Shorter-Than-I-Thought-It-Would-Be formula works to emphasise jowls and the first signs of a turkey neck.

Bowl-o’-Hair™. From hottie to hausfrau in minutes.’

Join me, ladies. You know you want to!



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36 responses to “Oh, brilliant. Now I look like a mushroom

  1. You know that this post is crying out for a picture!

  2. Here here VeryBored! I could do with a good laugh today. Tell you what, if you post a photo of your fungi follicles I will upload a video of me murdering “Don’t it make my Brown Eyes Blue”? If I get a Crystal Gayle wig then you could have it afterwards….

  3. There’s always hats…. beret, bobble, flat cap…..

    • notwavingbutironing

      I don’t believe you’re truly feeling my pain, Very Bored and Trish. I have had a tough time at the school gates this week. ‘Oh, you’ve had your hair cut. [pause] Do you like it?’. Repeat conversation x 35.

      And Gappy, yes, a hat would be an option. But it would have to be large and ‘shroom-shaped. A bowler would be ideal.

  4. I have just had a bob too. I look like every woman who has ever tried to sell you stain remover.

  5. I once wanted a short snappy style and ended up with a pineapple on my head. That was in the late 80s, when every hairdresser was programmed to make the sides and back as short, short, short as possible, and the top stick up as high as possible. The result: a pineapple.

    I think we do need a photo.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ah, the pineapple, I remember it well. About 50 per cent of the girls at my school had it. The other half had ‘the broccoli’ – flat and smooth at the back, bushy on top. It’s a wonder any of us ever pulled.

  6. This blog is a very happy find. Cutlery drawers are a current obsession and anyone who illustrates a haircut with a Playmobil figure has to be worth bookmarking. Have you tried hair serums? They tamp things down a bit.

  7. This is why I have a Jane Seymour cut. Unchanged for 40 years. Bet you rock it like Danni Minogue- she styled her bob in dozens of different ways during the X Factor. Well, Grazia told me she did.

    At least people noticed at the school gates! You were probably the highlight of their day!

    • notwavingbutironing

      Lucille – thanks for visiting. Serums = a good idea. I think Superglue might be the way to go.

      Alison Deer – Jane Seymour was my icon in the 80s. Who could forget her wafting around in a crinoline for the ‘Le Jardin’ advert? Sadly, I never had enough hair to emulate it. Flaunt it while you can! (Whatever your MIL says.)

  8. Dye it blue. Just a thought.

    Then I might spot you on Monson Road and point and laugh.

    PS My mushroom is magenta. (Translated from the German).

    I’ll keep my ears open for startled cackling.

    • notwavingbutironing

      I will stand on Monson Road tomorrow with a big sign saying ‘Mushroom sale, this way’. Don’t crash from laughing too much, though…

  9. dragondays

    My bob used to look so sleek and chic when I came out of the hairdressers – but I dreaded washing it for the first time – the Playmobile style is definitely not my thing. I used to apply loads of hair wax to calm it down for the first week or so after the Cut.
    I have now adopted a sort of Jane Fonda cut which reacts better to the Scissors and Home Washing!

  10. dragondays

    PS My photo is before the Jane style – and is just a mess (like it is at the moment as I haven’t been to the hairdressers in Months!)

    • notwavingbutironing

      Au contraire, Dragondays, it looks really lovely. It has body and bounce, and I’ll bet when the wind blows, it actually moves. Unlike my snap-on plastic!

  11. myf

    yes photo please.
    i can’t grow my hair past a bob so playmobile it is for me forever.
    what about not blowing drying it?
    of course you would be bang on trend with a snood, match to your hair colour vola from a distance you’d look like you had lots of long hair…

    • notwavingbutironing

      Ho, ho. I am going to scuttle past you in the school playground today. You must promise not to point and shout ‘Vegetable Head!’ (It IS that kind of school, after all.)

  12. I have a bob. I have had it since I was about 7. My mother tried a fringe but I have a little fuzzy bit in the middle apparently that stops it ‘laying correctly’, then she went for a longer, fringless style requiring clips at each side… which popped out across the classroom every day, without fail, at about 10.15. My hair is very straight and very thin. If it rains it looks like I’m bald with shoe polish applied to my scalp, ears and sides of face. I fear I’m destined to be a mushroom forever, and a rather lank one at that.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Thanks for sharing your hair pain, altho’ in truth I’m sure your mushroom is very chic and lovely. Know what you mean about rain. My hair (very fine) always looks soaked in 2.5 seconds, while raindrops just seem to sit, twinkling beautifully, on other women’s heads. It’s like they’ve got Scotchguarded hair or something.

  13. ELS

    They HAVE got scotchguarded hair, it’s a well-kept secret. If it’s very fine, try straighteners? Less High St (as these days everyone in C2D social bracket is doing Big Curls) and more limp, aristocratic can’t-be-bothered hair.

    Works for me.

  14. I was so desperate to have a straight fringe that I used to clamp it at night with a phalanx of Kirby grips. And when that didn’t go according to plan I ironed it under brown paper perilously close to my forehead.

  15. ‘scuse me for popping by – this did make me lol. Have been toying with the idea of a bob for a while lately and now you’ve put me off completely. It may take me 30 minutes of a morning to get dry it ‘just so’ but I think weighed up against the Mushroom hat and other similar names, I think I’ll persevere until the Menopause convinces me to shave the whole lot off during a night-sweat (can’t wait). Good blog!

    • notwavingbutironing

      ELS – have discovered Toni & Guy’s Funky Gum, which turns mushroom into solid beachball. Am working the look this week, and will let you know how it goes.

      Lucille – sounds like you have the dreaded ‘cow lick’, as I have. My fringe seems to want to be in two places at once.

      Debs – You have bountiful, beautiful curls, leave them be! The bob is for those of us with ‘problem’ hair!

  16. Fuck it. Shave it all off and have a tattoo of 666 on the back. The kids’ll love it.

  17. ladybird world mother

    !!! Giggled my way through this one. I know Just How You Feel. Had a bob once. Say no more. Looked like Nazi in chestnut helmet with very long neck. Nice.
    Extensions. Its the only way to go. Really long ones down to your waist. Miss Piggy style.
    Now must read other posts. Could be here some time. x

    • notwavingbutironing

      ‘Nazi in a chestnut helmet’ – love it! There’s a wealth of fantastic bob analogies coming out of the woodwork. Perfect for a book, maybe? ‘Bobs gone bad’?

  18. Regretfully, I got there before you.

  19. dragondays

    I passed on an award to you!

  20. What a fantastic title for a blog! Never had a bob myself, but I’ve had slices. Cherry. As opposed to caramel and treacle….

  21. Scampered over whne I heard about your “bobbit” episode. It happened to me when I desperately wanted the Lady Di cut. Looked great until it rained then I looked just like someone had wired me into a socket and pulled the switch…
    Only answer I know: layer it and watch it go all curly cheaper than a semi perm and it gets you set for joining the blue rinse brigade.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Can’t wait for the blue rinse myself, Tattie. If I end up like my mother, I will only have 16 hairs left on my head, and the poor teenage hairdresser will nearly burst into tears struggling to set them in rollers. Bring it on!

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