Has anybody seen my marbles?

Some of you probably think, given my fixation with school reading books and Ros from ‘Spooks’, that I don’t have much going on in my life. Well, think again! Next week I’m going to the PTA fund-raising quiz night at the school! That wiped the smile off your face, huh?

I’ve been half-heartedly preparing by looking at the royal family trees in ‘The Dangerous Book for Boys’, but with each year that passes I’m finding it harder and harder to retain any information unless it’s illustrated with a nice big colourful picture. I forced myself to read Bill Bryson’s ‘Short History of Nearly Everything’ a few months ago, which is full of fascinating information about science-y thingummy stuff, but the only piece of information I have retained is that Hubble (of the telescope fame) was really, really good-looking. Still, it might come in useful…

‘Question 43. Who was the hottest astronomer in the world, ever?’
[Me, jumping up and down in chair:] ‘Oooh, I know this one!!’

Anyway, here’s another pointless list. I do like a list.

5 signs your brainpower is in terminal decline

  1. You malaprop constantly, referring to ‘David Beckenham’, and ‘Cheryl Crow off the X Factor’.
  2. You play Big Brain Academy on the Nintendo DS and your score puts you in the same intelligence bracket as a watermelon.
  3. You practise and practise Big Brain Academy for three solid months, and your final score puts you in the same intelligence bracket as a bluebottle.
  4. You take the filter out of the goldfish’s tank to clean it, then you are completely and utterly unable to work out how the goddamn thing fits back in, despite having the instructions spread out in front of you. So you carrying on twisting the bloody tubing for 25 minutes and trying to force it through the wrong hole, occasionally muttering, ‘What??! I have put ‘tube A’ back into ‘valve C’, motherfucker!’ while your child weeps in the corner and whimpers, ‘Is Goldie going to die, Mummy?’
  5. Eh?


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10 responses to “Has anybody seen my marbles?

  1. Yesterday I put the fleecy cover on the floor steamer on the top rather than the bit that actually hits my muck encrusted tiles, I took the carefully washed and sorted stuff for recycling and dumped it in the ordinary bin and twice found myself driving cheerfully in the wrong direction from where I was going. And that was on the day I was beginning to think I was getting my mojo back. Clearly returning mojo has dislodged some essential bits of brain.

  2. notwavingbutironing

    You do have THREE children though, and they’re all boys (which is the equivalent of five and a half girls). That might explain your loopy behaviour. BTW, Check the Hoover bag. That’s where my dislodged bits of brain ended up.

  3. I’m hosting our PTA quiz tomorrow night – so I get to think up the questions (….look up on internet…) and appear extremely smug and clever as I say patronisingly, “No, I’m so sorry it wasn’t the Archbishop of Canterbury, it was David Tennant: easy mistake, Headmaster”.

  4. notwavingbutironing

    Ooh, well done! I am sure you will make a brilliant quizmistress – strict, but fair. I look forward to the blog post (you must blog about it, please – I love a vicarious quiz.)

  5. ladybird world mother

    I think I have your marbles… only I lost them. Perhaps you have my marbles??!
    Have recently attempted to make guinea pig run from flat pack. Nightmare. Hammer in mouth trying to figure out A to B to C. Rather eat my foot.

    • notwavingbutironing

      There’s no shame in not being able to follow flat-pack instructions. My dad, mum, auntie and uncle took THREE AND A HALF HOURS recently to put together an Ikea wardrobe. Mind you, their collective age is 278, so I think their marbles disappeared a long time ago.

  6. The Dangerous Book for Boys is all you could ever need – especially speaking as a Home Edder. Filled with all that stuff I could vaguely remember my big brothers talking about with awe but which my sieve-like (there’s-probably-more-to-life-being-a-girl) brain never could retain. But now I can astound my children with the Romeo, Tango, Lima alphabet thing; wrap a brown paper parcel with string; learn the rules to cricket; build a treehouse and even speak to girls (p126). Why I never took notice of these things in my youth…….

    The Greatest Paper Plane in the World (p2) is genuinely a sanity saving gift from Boy-Nirvana. No need ever to deviate.

    For the retrieval of marbles you could turn to p225. Fulking great.

    Now all I need is The Book for Dangerous Boys. Maybe I should write that one myself.

    • notwavingbutironing

      Have to confess, I skipped the crickets bits. But what a top book it is. Have been referring my son to page 222 (story of Douglas Bader) every time he moans his knees hurt (from kneeling down, doing his Lego. Poor mite).

  7. You sound pregnant to me…..

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